Extinguish
by WildYennifer
Summary: "After the ritual is performed, you'll love her less and less… until nothing's left." Damon never wanted to love Elena. When Bonnie shows up at the boarding house, offering to make him stop loving her magically, does he agree? How will Elena react and what will she do about the consequences?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi everyone. :) Glad to be back with a new story for you. Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear (read) what you think.**

**Special thanks to ****_CreepingMuse_****, who is the best beta and a great friend at the same time. The story wouldn't be half as good without her comments and invaluable support.**

**Timeline: season 4.  
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* * *

"Elena."

Caroline's voice brought me out of my reverie. I averted my gaze from the crackling flames in the fireplace. Focus, Elena, focus. No need to give them extra reasons to worry. Care pressed her lips together and watched me with a determined expression. I sighed, bracing myself before the undoubtedly unpleasant discussion that my friend was about to start.

"What?"

Thankfully, the long, exhausting day was almost over. It was another day I spent at the boarding house, another day filled with longing looks and unspoken words. I didn't want anything but to crawl under the sheets in my room in _my_ house and sleep for two days straight.

"I can see something's bothering you, and you know I'm not letting it go until you tell me what's wrong."

I looked at Bonnie, hoping for some support. Please, please. I so did _not_ want to have this conversation.

"She's right, Elena," said Bonnie, smiling apologetically. "We're your friends, we love you. Talk to us."

After the party we'd just had, Caroline had forced everyone to leave, including Stefan and Damon, and I just knew it would ultimately lead to some kind of serious talk. It was probably the last thing I needed, but Caroline seemed to think otherwise.

I took a deep breath, scrutinizing my coffee, but didn't say a word. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't. I had been smiling and laughing and trying to be happy for a month. And avoiding Damon. When he was near, smiling, laughing and being happy suddenly became a _lot_ more difficult. He seemed to have understood, and made himself scarce whenever I was at the boarding house. It felt wrong to spill the beans after the perfect show I'd been putting on.

"Okay, if you're not gonna talk, I'll have to be blunt," said Caroline after another half a minute of silence. "Is it Damon?"

My gaze shot up to Caroline's face. "What? Why?"

"You were staring at him half the party."

I'm sure the look I gave her was full of terror and shock.

"I wasn't!" I wasn't. No, absolutely not. Impossible. Maybe I'd stolen a glance or two, but that was okay, right? I didn't see Damon much those days and he was my friend, a great friend. We didn't spend time together any more – couldn't spend time together – and I missed him.

Yeah. Right.

"Okay, maybe not exactly staring. That's not the point. What's up?" asked Caroline. I sighed, surrendering.

"He's hurting," I said quietly, and looked away. "He's hurting so much that I can sense it. It shouldn't be this way. He doesn't deserve it. And it's all my fault."

"No, it's not," Bonnie shifted closer and patted my arm, tried to soothe me, while I had to concentrate on anything but her jugular. "It's not your fault that you love Stefan."

"You do love Stefan, right?"

"Care!" exclaimed Bonnie.

"What?"

I made sure my face was appropriately indignant. The tequila she'd drunk at the party made Caroline a little _too_ blunt. Or maybe a little too insightful.

"Of course… I love Stefan," I said, happy that my voice seemed to sound firm and convincing. Pleased with my new confidence, I went on. "But Damon is my friend, and I don't like seeing him like this. I wish I could help him, but I don't think there's anything I can do."

Yes, I didn't like seeing him like this. I hated it. It was probably not the only reason for me to be sad. But Bonnie and Caroline didn't need to know that.

"Well, the only thing you can do is choose him," said Caroline, and I pretended that my heart didn't twitch, hoping she wasn't listening. I had gotten very good at pretending.

"Or…if he stopped loving you," suggested Bonnie.

If he stopped loving me?

I realized I didn't even remember what it was like _not_ to be loved by Damon. I had gotten used to counting on him. When I was unhappy, he was there to make me smile. When I had a plan, he was there to help me. When I was being stupid, he was there to call me an idiot. When I lost all hope, he was there to remind me everything would be okay.

I needed him. Worse, I needed him to _love_ me. While I was trying to convince everyone (and myself) that Damon's feelings just aroused sympathy in me, the ugly truth was that I reveled in this love. And that meant I reveled in his pain.

I had never wanted to be like Katherine, and I wasn't. But I was a hundred times worse. At least since she'd come back, she hadn't lied about her feelings. She hadn't pretended to have feelings for Damon – or to have _no_ feelings for Stefan. Caroline seemed to guess what I was thinking about.

"I don't see that happening soon, though," she went on. "It took him a century and a half to get over Katherine. Anyway, don't worry. He'll probably be okay by the twenty-third century."

"Not helping," I mumbled.

The thought of living for centuries had been difficult to get used to. But I didn't even want to think about living for centuries without Damon. I mean, I cared about him.

"Sometimes nothing can help," said Caroline sympathetically. "Damon will have to figure it out on his own."

"Seems so," I agreed. Bonnie didn't say a word, now staring at the fireplace like I had a few minutes before.

* * *

Since the moment I woke up, I knew the day would be awful.

A few days before Caroline had asked Stefan and me if… No, scratch that, she had informed us that she was arranging a party for Elena at the boarding house. According to Caroline, Elena could "use some time with her friends," or something, and Stefan had been eager to agree. I hadn't even had a chance to object, and I would have, because being around drunk humans wasn't the most relaxing activity for a young vampire like Elena. Not that anyone would've listened to me.

The party didn't even seem too bad at first. Well, I wasn't happy to spend half a day with Stefan, Elena and her friends, who variously disliked or hated me. But at least there was booze to help tune out Blondie's chitchat when it became too much. So, I actually started thinking it could go well, until I felt Elena's gaze boring into me. That was the moment the party turned into a fucking nightmare.

I could feel her looking at me when she thought I was too distracted to notice. I was sure I was imagining things until I glanced at her and she had to look away – not soon enough for me to miss it. Then she held my gaze a few times, but I decided not to try to figure out what it meant. Elena Gilbert was a liar. I knew better than to believe her words, her eyes or her lips.

After the party Caroline chased us all out of the house. I didn't really get why, but I didn't care. I ended up with Stefan at the Grill, and did my best to listen to his attempts at a brotherly conversation. I didn't succeed; the place held too many memories of Ric. I paid a lot more attention to my bottle than to my little brother. When he finally said the house was probably free, I was relieved.

When I returned home, it was already past midnight. A lot past midnight. I stumbled to my room, glad to hear no heartbeat but my own, and dropped into my bed, not even bothering to undress. I was too tired. I didn't want anything but to crawl under the sheets and sleep for two days straight.

I heard a car pull up and then someone walked into the house, closing the front door carefully. I assumed it was Stefan, who had gone to check on Elena, like she couldn't survive two fucking hours without him. Statistics showed exactly the opposite, but I wasn't going to remind him. I wasn't even going to get up – Stefan would probably start another speech and-

Except Stefan went to the Gilbert's on foot.

I was downstairs in a flash, instinctively locating a heartbeat – fast, human – and the next moment I was holding the intruder by his neck.

Another moment and my brain was exploding. I dropped to my knees, clutching my head. Damn. Fucking witch. "Stop it," I croaked. "Didn't…see…you."

"Don't mess with me, Salvatore," said Bonnie, the last person I'd expect to see here at one a.m.

"Mess with you?! You're the one who broke into my house at this hour." She still looked all threatening, and I raised my hands defensively. It's not that she frightened me – it took a lot more than a bungling witch to scare Damon Salvatore. I was just too tired to argue. "Okay, okay. No hard feelings."

"Good," she said. "I didn't come here to fight."

"Then what did you come here for? If you want to yell at me for something, I'm not in the mood. If anything else…" I wiggled my eyebrows and then wrinkled my nose in disgust, "…still no."

"I want to talk to you."

I ran my hand through my hair and yawned exaggeratedly. "Can't it wait until tomorrow? I was kinda trying to sleep."

"No, it can't."

I was very tempted to throw the witch out of my house, but it was pointless. She'd squish my brain again, and get me to listen to her in the hard way. So I decided to let her talk. It's not that I conceded – let's say I was being cooperative.

"So," I started after both of us were comfortably seated, "what's the problem?"

"You are," said Bonnie in a serious voice. I chuckled.

"Not the first time I hear that. Can you be more specific?"

She sighed, and for a brief moment I saw something like sympathy in her eyes. Perhaps, the alcohol did affect me after all, in spite of my vampire stamina. I was surely seeing things.

"You love Elena-"

"So that's the problem?" I interrupted and actually laughed.

"The problem is that she doesn't feel the same way about you." Okay, she was probably right. But that was none of her business. "You're hurting. And she's hurting because of that, too. I have an offer for you," she paused, undoubtedly to sound creepier and more dramatic. "I can fix it."

She wasn't making sense.

"Wait a minute. You want to help _me_? Not that I need to remind you, but you hate me. And you aren't actually offering to make Elena love me, are you?"

"No!" she said indignantly, and I shook my head. Witches and their annoying habit of talking in riddles. "It's very dangerous. And I wouldn't do that for you, anyway." Of course not. "But I can make _you_ fall out of love with Elena."

What the fuck?

"Are you crazy?" I rose to my feet, unable to wrap my head around the idea.

She seemed to lose her composure at once. I hadn't seen her this timid since my first days in Mystic Falls.

"Look, it's…wrong, I know. Witches shouldn't influence people's feelings. But I don't care. I just want my friend to be happy. And she can't be happy if you're suffering. If you don't love her, it will be easier for everyone. For you, for Elena, for Stefan. Think about it."

She had definitely lost her mind. I started pacing, trying really hard to keep my cool. Probably failing. I couldn't be with Elena, I rarely even saw her, and even all that wasn't enough. I was still guilty of…something.

"Perfect! Sure, let's remove my feelings if they _inconvenience_ everyone so fucking much. If you believed even for a moment that I'd let you fuck with my head, you thought wrong."

"But it's better for every-"

"Get out," I growled. "Now." I couldn't listen to her any longer. Her offer was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life. If she stayed, I would probably lose it. Attack her or something.

If she stayed, I would probably consider agreeing.

"Fine. I'll leave," she stood up. "But I'll come back tomorrow, when you're sober, and you'll see that I'm right. It's the only solution."

She turned around and strode out of the house. I stood frozen, for a long, long while.

* * *

I woke up well-rested and full of energy the following morning. Vampire stamina. I looked at the clock – half past eight. Got out of the bed and strolled to the bathroom. A good, hot shower was exactly what I needed. I listened hard for any signs of life in the house, but I seemed to be alone. Stefan had probably spent the night with Elena. No, I wasn't going to think about that.

I wasn't going to think about Bonnie's offer, either. Absolutely not. It was out of question.

But why the hell did it have to sound so tempting?

I had nothing to lose. Elena? We would remain friends, and it would be definitely easier to be friends if I didn't want her to confess love for me over and over and to let me love her the way she deserved. Or at least if I didn't want her lips pressed against mine and her legs wrapped around my waist. I wouldn't lose my humanity, either. It had nothing to do with loving her any more. Pain? I sure as hell wouldn't miss it.

But what if-

No. Impossible. If I still had some delusional hope after everything Elena had put me through, that would make me an idiot. And I wasn't an idiot. I couldn't even think about that tiny illusory chance that she _might_ be with me one day.

After all, she'd had a lot of chances. She'd heard me say "I love you." She'd kissed me (and did a lot more than that, but I wasn't going to think of Denver). She'd remembered our twisted first meeting she had been lucky to survive. She'd remembered my stupid, awkward love confession. None of that had changed anything. There would never be a right moment for us.

Then why not-

No. No way. Because that? Would be the most pathetic thing I'd ever done in my existence. Maybe my life was a mess, but I could handle it on my own. I didn't need a fucking witch therapist.

I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off with a towel. I just finished getting dressed when I heard the front door slam and now that I was fully awake I could easily tell it was a human. Bonnie.

"Damon!"

Reckless. I could've been asleep. And I did _not_ like being woken up.

"Wait a sec!" I shouted back.

I took my time. Folded the towel and put it back on the shelf. Smoothed my hair a little. Walked downstairs at normal, human speed, because the witch wouldn't have been even surprised if I'd flashed before her – would've been no fun.

"Morning," I said, smiling my most fake smile. "Can I get you something to drink?"

Bonnie scoffed. "Not in this house."

"Well, I'll have a drink, so you need to wait a little more. You know, that may happen if you break into someone's house uninvited at nine in the morning."

She didn't say anything, so I went to the basement. Got a blood bag from the fridge, poured the blood into a glass. I wasn't so hungry that I couldn't wait until she left, but pissing her off was fun. I returned to the parlor. Bonnie was now sitting in the armchair and looking at me expectantly. She glanced at the glass in my hand, wrinkling her nose a little, and I smiled. It worked.

"Did you think about what I told you yesterday?"

Couldn't stop thinking about it.

"No."

She scoffed again. "You're lying."

"And you're annoying. We all have problems. I told you yesterday. No. I'm not letting you anywhere near my head, heart, soul or wherever it is you witches believe feelings are stored. When I need a vampire neurosurgeon, I know where to find you. Thanks for coming." I indicated the front door with my hand.

"Do you have any idea how selfish you are?"

Now I was selfish? Seriously? "Enlighten me," I said, gritting my teeth.

"You're only thinking about what you want. If you like wallowing in self-pity, that's one thing. But Elena's hurting because of you. And I'm sure so is Stefan. If you don't want to hurt them, I'm giving you a way out. The only solution."

No, it wasn't. There was surely something else I could do. I could go somewhere. Leave town _without_ saying goodbye – the previous attempt at goodbye hadn't gone well, because it had resulted in Elena looking at me with those big warm eyes, full of tears, and consequently me not going anywhere at all. But that would hurt them both, again. That would hurt me, too.

I could _pretend_ not to love her anymore. Find a new distraction and play a boyfriend head over heels in love so well that even Elena would buy it. She thought she knew me well, but I was good at lying. I would make her believe I moved on with my life, fell in love with someone else… Only it sounded ridiculous even to me.

Bonnie had probably noticed my thoughtful look, because now she looked very pleased. The little jerk already knew she made me think that _maybe_ her offer _could_ make sense. I never wanted to hurt Elena. I had to help her, to protect her. I had to destroy whatever caused her pain. Even if it was my own pain.

Still, I wasn't going to give in immediately. I needed to know more.

"Okay, let's imagine for a tiny moment that I agreed. How does this thing work?"

She actually _smirked._ "It's quite a simple ritual. You just need to concentrate on Elena, I'll read the spell. After that you have to leave and-"

"Wait, what?" If I had to leave town (leave Elena), the spell was pointless.

"Not for long. A few days – five or so. A week would be perfect."

Why the hell couldn't she tell me _everything _at once? Damn witches. "Why?"

"The spell won't work immediately. It's not like one minute you're in love and the next moment you aren't. After the ritual is performed, you'll love her less and less… until nothing's left."

It sounded easy. Too easy. I knew witches too well to believe there could be a spell without a huge "but." Maybe they wrote it in fine print somewhere at the bottom of the grimoire page.

"What's the catch?" I asked.

"No catch."

"Try again."

She sighed. "It can't be reversed. In a week you won't love Elena, and you won't ever love her again."

It sounded almost as terrifying as it sounded amazing. Hm.

"I thought every spell could be reversed. You always talk about maintaining balance, undoing what's done, yadda yadda yadda."

"Okay, let's say it's highly unlikely that it could be reversed. Which is exactly what we need," she sounded confident. And very, very convincing.

"I haven't agreed yet," I said, and heard footsteps approaching the house.

"You will," said Bonnie. "You know I'm right."

"Agreed to what? Right about what?"

Little brother's timing sucked.

I started wondering, though. What would he say? Would he try to talk me out of it, say that things were okay the way they were, that I didn't hurt his feelings or anything – and show his selflessness? Would he support Bonnie, saying that I didn't have to endure "all this pain" (his favorite expression) – and show how much he cared about me? He would look good either way. It was his choice.

"Here's the thing, Stef…"

* * *

Stefan was listening to Bonnie's explanation attentively. He nodded gravely from time to time, frowning in his usual fashion. Actually, he looked a lot like the president in Hollywood flicks about the end of the world.

"You would do that? For me?" he asked, once Bonnie was done.

No. But I could do that for Elena.

"No. But I could do that for myself."

"I understand," he nodded and licked his lips, like he always did when he was nervous.

He understood, my ass. What the hell could he understand? What it was like to be the eternal second choice? No. Everyone had always loved him most. He had been a sweet naïve boy, then a willful thoughtless young man, then a tragic, gloomy vampire – no matter what, he had always been lovable. Me? Never.

I scolded myself mentally. I was jealous, no lying about that, but my brother deserved to be loved. A lot more than I did.

He had loved only twice in his life. He had loved Katherine, even though he wouldn't admit it. He had gotten over her pretty fast, but who could blame him? He had been young and, in a way, shallow. Katherine had loved him back. He loved Elena. Elena…

No. Wasn't going to think about that.

"So, Stef, what do you say?"

He looked at me, still frowning, and sighed. "Does it matter what I think?"

Not really. It wouldn't influence my choice. I knew his life with Elena would be a lot easier if I didn't stand in the way. I didn't even doubt he wanted me to do it. I only wondered whether he would tell the truth or not. And how he would put it. "Yes, it matters to me."

Stefan sighed and shook his head.

"It's your decision to make, brother. I'll respect your choice."

Fuck. Of course he would. Still, I knew what he really thought. And that mattered to me.

"I'll do it," I told Bonnie.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing, guys - especially those whom I couldn't thank in person via PM. Hope you'll like it. Either way, let me know.**

**Special thanks to ****_CreepingMuse_****, of course. I'm running out of compliments to tell you. You're the best, you know.**

* * *

When I agreed to go through the ritual, Stefan didn't look unhappy. To be fair, he didn't look relieved, either.

"Are you sure, brother?" he asked, looking at me with concern. "I mean, it's a lot to ask of you and-"

"Positive. You aren't asking anything. You let me decide, and this is my choice."

"I guess I'll leave…so you two can discuss the details." His gaze was darting between me and the floor, never really meeting my eye. Classic Stefan. He was probably already blaming himself for something _I_ was going to do. Trust my brother to find martyrdom in everyday life.

He turned around and started walking out of the room, but I called to him.

"And Stef?"

He turned to look at me. "Yeah?"

"I'll leave right away. See you when I'm back, I guess."

He nodded hesitantly and then, still avoiding my gaze, he asked, "What about Elena?"

I shrugged. I really didn't want to think about her now. Didn't want to think about Elena, about how she was going to react when she learned about my "heroic deed" (my weakness). Would she sigh in relief and say "I guess it's for the best"? Would she worry about the innocent people I would undoubtedly kill in cold blood without her keeping me on a short leash? (Really, what would I do without her be-the-better-man speeches? Oh please.) Would she feel at least a little sorry?

I guess I started thinking about it after all.

"Damon?" Stefan reminded me that he was still waiting for an answer.

I shrugged again. "Just don't freak her out. Don't even tell her." I tried not to care. Soon Elena's feelings would be only his _problem_, not mine. How ironic. "If she starts asking questions, you can tell her I went to see some old friends or something. I'm sure she won't care much."

That last line was a lie. We both knew it. But Stefan didn't say anything, he only nodded again and left the room. I listened to his footsteps as he walked out of the house.

I turned to Bonnie. "Okay, let's talk about the technicalities. You read the spell, I leave… Why do I have to leave?"

The witch was looking at me like at a dumb kid. I forced myself to stay calm. "Because you need to stay away from Elena while the spell is working. If you see her before it's done, we'll have to start all over again. You can't see her. You can't talk to her, even over the phone. No contact at all."

Okay, that made sense. Out of sight, out of mind. The part about seeing Elena's face or hearing her voice made me wonder, though. "What if I see Katherine? Or talk to her?" The bitch had the worst timing in the world, after all, and I was so damn lucky that I'd probably run into her on the very first day of my getaway.

Bonnie shrugged. "I don't know." An incompetent witch with unreliable magic didn't know how her spell was going to work. What a shocker. She probably noticed my skeptical expression, because she crossed her arms on her chest and glared at me. "We don't know a lot about how doppelganger magic works." Translation: witches are useless. "But to be on the safe side, you'd better avoid Katherine, too."

"Got it." I had another question, probably more important than anything I'd already asked, but I didn't want to ask it. It showed my weakness. I had to be stronger than that. Smarter than that. But I was pathetic, so I asked anyway. "Will I be able to…stay her friend?"

I mean, we were friends, right? Okay, _had been_. Now it was different, complicated. But if we tried to forget that she was the woman who had repeatedly broken my heart, she was a great friend, kind and loyal. I didn't want to lose at least that.

"I'm not sure." Damn. And _that_ person was gonna witch-operate on my brain? But it was too late to stop. If anything went wrong, I wouldn't care anyway, right?

"When are we doing it?" asked Bonnie.

"Now." We had to do it immediately, before my resolve weakened, before I started wavering and second guessing. I couldn't afford that. The witch pressed her lips together and sympathy flashed in her eyes for a brief moment just like the day before. And I wasn't even drunk. Strange.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I thought you might want to see Elena one last time. Maybe tell her something. I mean…before-"

"I know what you mean." Did I want to see her? Of course I did. Losing her (even willingly) meant cutting out a major part of my life. It had revolved around that girl for a year. Helping her. Being there for her. Thinking about her. What would my life be like when this obsession was gone?

The very thought made me feel…hollow. After I'd lost Ric, what did I have in my life apart from Elena and my pathetic hopeless hope?

I had Stefan. My brother. My only family. No matter what happened to us, no matter what we did and who we loved, he would always be important to me. More important than anyone else.

"No. I would ask you to tell her I love her, but I guess that's pointless now. Let's get it over with."

"Okay." Bonnie took a deep breath. "Ready?"

No.

"Sure."

She started chanting in Latin, and while I focused with all my might on Elena, I caught a few words, and they grasped my heart like an iron fist. I didn't want it any more. I couldn't do it, but I had to. So I gritted my teeth and kept thinking about the woman who wouldn't matter to me soon, while the same awful refrain was still ringing in my ears.

"Destruere amorem."

* * *

I didn't want Damon to do it. Didn't want my brother to go through some dangerous ritual – there was always some risk. I was worried about him. But it was his own decision.

What was he even thinking when he asked me whether to do it or not? What was I supposed to tell him? "Do it, brother, because I don't want you to love my girlfriend"? "No, brother, because I enjoy seeing you in pain"? Whatever I chose, it would look cruel. Or twisted. But then, our entire situation was twisted.

I understood why Damon was willing to do it – I knew what it was like to be rejected and abandoned. Maybe not as well as he did, but I understood why he wanted to stop it. Maybe he had considered the idea for my sake or Elena's sake, but it had been his pain that had tipped the scale. Even if I had told him not do to it, he wouldn't have listened. Damon never listened to anyone else.

However, I couldn't help but see that this time he was right. It was the best solution for all three of us. If Damon stepped back, he wouldn't want to be with Elena. She would only be a friend to him. We wouldn't ever fight over her again. After so many years, we would restore the bond we had broken in 1864.

Maybe Elena would finally unfall for him.

I wasn't an idiot. I noticed all the looks they exchanged, the way Elena looked at Damon. I knew something had happened in Denver – could have been anything – but I never asked. I never let Elena talk about their summer together, either. It couldn't have been nothing, because when I came back, I found my girl in love with my brother, and as hard as she tried to fight it, she couldn't.

And even after the party designed to "ease her mind" she was restless, tossing and turning in her bed, smiling her new fake smile and distracting me with kisses when I was trying to talk. Eventually, she fell asleep, facing away from me and hugging a pillow.

If Damon didn't stop it, I would end up losing her. And I didn't know if I could stand that.

I needed him to do it.

* * *

By the time Bonnie stopped chanting I had focused on Elena so hard that I missed the exact moment when it was over. The witch had to call my name for me to realize that she was done. And guess what, she'd failed.

"Well?" I looked at her questioningly.

"Well what? Now you pack and leave."

"But you screwed up!"

Bonnie scoffed, surprised and irritated at the same time. "How can _you_ know?"

"I don't feel any different." Not at all. The very thought of Elena was still as exhilarating as it was painful. I was happy and disappointed at the same time. Now that I had honestly done _everything_ in my power to let Elena and Stefan just be together, I wouldn't have to feel guilty. Well, not as much, anyway.

The happiness was short-living.

"I explained it twice, were you listening? I will be a slow process. You aren't supposed to feel different _now_."

"Fine," I said quietly. "Thank you, Bonnie. Bye."

She didn't leave immediately. "I know what it's like, Damon," she said with an apologetic smile. "I've been there. And if I had known about the spell, I would have done it. You'll be happier when the process is complete. I promise."

I shook my head in disbelief. A witch _and_ a shrink. An awesome combination.

"Thanks for the spell. _Bye_," I tried to make it clear that I didn't want company. She nodded with the same damn apologetic smile, turned around and left. I poured myself another glass of blood, then a glass of whiskey. I just needed a drink.

In fact, I needed an excuse to stay in the house a little longer. I couldn't leave. Not yet. It would be the final step, the last straw. No turning back after that. I wasn't ready to do it. The spell wasn't even working yet, it would be so easy to undo it. I only needed to call her, to hear her smile – I could always hear it when she smiled – and say "Morning, Damon." That was all it would take to undo everything. One phone call.

That would be a weakness. Worse, it would be cowardice. I wasn't weak, and I certainly wasn't a coward.

I finished my drink, rose to my feet, grabbed a few credit cards and car keys. I was about to leave when the phone rang. Had I already mentioned my bad luck? Of course, it was Elena. _Morning, Damon_.

No fucking way.

I put the phone on the table, pulled on a leather jacket and strode out of the house. I got into the car and in a few minutes I was already on the road leading out of the goddamn town.

* * *

I wasn't going to get up yet. No, no, no. It was Sunday, for heaven's sake. And I'd had a party the night before. Not that I had a hangover or was sleepy; sometimes, being a vampire's awesome. But the bed was so cozy that I didn't want to leave it.

So who the hell was knocking on my front door like their life depended on it?

Maybe it did. You know, life and death situations: ask Caroline.

"In a minute!" I yelled and groaned. So much for a nice, peaceful day off school. I got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. There was obviously no time for a shower, but I could at least freshen up a little. I changed into jeans and a pink blouse, looked in the mirror (there is no excuse not to look the best you can, even in the morning) and went to open the door. It had taken only a minute, indeed. Being a vampire was _great_.

"Hey, Care." Bonnie? Why on Earth would she need me now if we had been together the whole evening before? I frowned, looking at her, because I knew this expression all too well: eyes restless, lips pressed together. So instead of my prepared "Hon, I love you, but it's ten in the morning," I just smiled encouragingly.

"Hi. Come in."

She followed me into the house, took her coat off and put it on the back of an armchair. Then she took a seat gingerly, and that expression grew even more pronounced.

"Spill," I told her.

She sighed and hesitated. I was about to use my favorite "You're not going anywhere until I know everything," (it started sounding a lot more threatening once I became a vampire) but it wasn't necessary.

"I did a horrible thing," said Bonnie, looking me in the eye. "It was a right thing to do, but that doesn't make it any less horrible."

I looked at her questioningly, making it obvious I wanted to know _everything_. But when she started spilling, I wasn't even sure whether I wasn't asleep and dreaming. She wasn't making sense. She did an anti-love spell?

"You what?"

"It's okay, really, there shouldn't be any side effects," she was talking quickly and passionately, like trying to convince herself. "I just… I wanted to tell you. And I'll need your help. You know if Elena... finds out. I'm not sure Stefan can be there for her in this situation, that he's the one she'll need. She may need us."

"No, Bonnie!" I threw my hands up in the air after being speechless for five seconds. Yes, I was that shocked. "Elena doesn't need _us_. She needs Damon!"

"But-"

"She… more than 'cares' about him," I told her and she looked at me with wide eyes.

"Of all people, Caroline, I'd never think _you_ would defend Damon."

I cringed, realizing what she meant. I didn't really want to reminisce about the days when he used me. I pretended it was a different Damon. It was certainly a different Caroline. Stopping that train of thoughts right now.

"I really thought Elena belonged with Stefan. I did. I even tried to push them back together. But you know what? I've never seen her smile as much as she does around Damon. And if the one person that makes her happy is a jerk, we'll have to put up with it. That's the choice that nobody can make but Elena. And you took it away."

"Not making me feel better, Care." Bonnie sighed, but then her face turned determined. "I'll have to fix it."

"It can be fixed?!" I was almost sure I beamed.

"If he sees Elena or talks to her within five days, maybe a week, the feelings will come back. But he's already left town, so we'll have to find him…"

I didn't care. If it could be fixed, I'd soon have a plan. And if – _when _– it worked, Elena would be happy and Bonnie wouldn't feel guilty. Even Damon would be happy, as a side effect. Sounded great to me.

I jumped to my feet and grabbed my phone.

"Where are you going?" asked Bonnie.

"I need to talk to Elena. Now."

* * *

I waited and waited until the phone stopped ringing. Again. Damon never answered. It was strange. He wasn't mad at me, or at least I didn't think he was. Maybe he was still asleep? But I'd been calling him for – I checked the phone – twenty minutes.

Why did I _have _to call him at all? I had no idea. But I needed to hear his voice. There was no answer again, and my stomach felt uneasy. Something must have happened. Where could he be? Maybe it was a good idea to call Stefan? He had gone to the boarding house, and he could know something by now. I didn't care whether I was just stressed or it was our blood bond that showed every now and then. I just wanted to hear that Damon was all right.

"Elena?" It was Stefan standing at the front door. I sighed. Good timing.

"Come in."

He didn't flash next to me like Damon would. I waited impatiently for him to go upstairs, come into the room and sit next to me on the bed.

"What are you doing here?" I asked softly. Stefan looked away and licked his lips. He was nervous. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Well, I…I wanted to spend more time with you."

He smiled and looked me in the eye, but I didn't buy it. He _was_ nervous. He knew something I didn't. That freaked me out, but I forced myself to stay calm. Breathe. Smile.

"You just can't stay away from me, can you?" I joked, letting out a fake laugh. I had to sound casual. "Come on, something must have happened there. What, Damon's partying with sorority girls?"

Stefan looked away again. "No, he isn't."

"So what's wrong? Did you two have a fight?" I asked, now letting my concern show.

"No, we didn't." He shook his head, still refusing to look me in the eye.

I attempted another guess. "Is something wrong with him?"

Now he didn't even answer, just shaking his head instead. That was when I snapped. "Damn it, Stefan! I _know_ something's wrong! I feel it! Why don't you just tell me? Where is Damon?"

"He… um, he had to leave town."

"What? Why?"

Stefan took my hands in his and looked me in the eye. "Elena, look, I don't know. He just said he had to do something, see someone… You know Damon. He didn't really tell me anything." He sighed. "I understand that you're worried about him. But I promise he's fine."

I wanted to believe him so much. It made sense, of course. Maybe my uneasiness had to do with Damon being farther away than I was used to? Maybe he had left his phone behind accidentally? Stefan was still looking at me intensely, his eyes almost compelling me to believe that he was telling the truth.

Then I heard light footsteps outside. The front door opened and someone walked into the house. I hadn't learned to recognize people by their heartbeats yet, but it was too slow for a human. Well, the number of vampires in my life was already bigger than the number of humans anyway. What if Damon-

"It's Caroline!" she called. If she wanted to talk about the next school dance, she chose a bad, bad moment. But Caroline was a force of nature. I had a better chance of escaping an avalanche than of escaping her. "Is everyone dressed?"

"Yeah, come on in," I said. In a second Caroline was sitting in a chair, facing us. And she wasted no time.

"Why don't you tell her the truth, Stefan?"

What? So was it some secret that everyone knew but me?

"Caroline," he begged.

"Don't 'Caroline' me. How can you lie to her face? I understand why Damon would go through with this insane plan, but _you_ should have stopped him!"

Stefan was scrutinizing his knees and Care looked so indignant that I started panicking. My intuition was right from the very beginning. Something horrible was going on. Something horrible had happened to Damon.

"Caroline, tell me, what is it? Please," I asked. She looked at me with sympathy (which didn't help my panic attack) and then turned to Stefan again.

"I talked to Bonnie," she said, and Stefan's expression turned even more pained. Oh, no. Did Bonnie do something to Damon? Did she hurt him? Because of me? I bit my lip – that was the only way that helped me not vamp out. Caroline still looked mad. "Stefan, why don't _you_ tell Elena what's going on?"

He looked at me, blinking too rapidly. "Damon is all right."

I shook my head. He was still lying. "No, he's not."

"He… um, he decided to… Bonnie cast a spell on him."

I was a little relieved. "Cast a spell" was still very different from "killed." But I didn't stop worrying.

"What kind of spell?" I asked, looking first at Caroline, then at Stefan. My friend waited for Stefan to speak, and then she looked at me and her expression softened. I guess I looked like a mess.

"It's a spell to make him stop loving you."

I was speechless. Couldn't say a word, but I tried to, even though I had no idea what to say. The uneasiness I'd felt before only grew, a hollowness in my chest making it hard to breathe, and it took me a while to understand that my eyes were burning because they were full of tears. That couldn't be happening, just couldn't. It wasn't like the ground was cut from under my feet; it was like the ground, the sky, the world no longer existed, and I was left alone in a cold, painful ocean of _nothing_.

Caroline went on about the details of the spell, about why Damon had to leave town and why he wasn't answering his phone, but I got only one thing from her speech. The main thing.

"So it can be undone?"

And that was when the show (being honest – the lie) I had so carefully created collapsed like a house of cards.

"Why, Elena?" asked Stefan, looking at me with a pained expression, and I had to resist the urge to tell him that I didn't mean it, that whether Damon loved me or not didn't matter to me, that I was just worried about him because he was my friend. In the past, I probably would have. But I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep lying.

"I can't lose him." I shook my head. I was somewhat ashamed that this scene was taking place in Caroline's presence, but at least she looked sympathetic.

"Because you 'care about him'?" quoted Stefan, and only now, hearing someone else say these words, I realized how much – or how little – they really meant. They certainly didn't express what I meant, what I felt.

"Because I love him," I answered. It was the first time I allowed myself to think it – not "care," not "need," not even "want," but love. And it was right. It sounded right. "I'm in love with Damon."

Stefan didn't look angry or even surprised. He just smiled a joyless smile and nodded, like he'd known all along. He probably had. "When were you going to tell me?"

I looked away. It was too much. Maybe it was just my destiny. I kept ruining the lives of those around me. I had ruined Damon's life. Now I was hurting Stefan. Nobody had a chance to be close to me and remain unscathed.

"When were you going to tell her about the spell?" countered Caroline. It didn't make me feel better, but I knew she wanted to help me out, and I was grateful. Stefan smiled sorrowfully, and then he rose to his feet and walked to the door. He stopped in the doorway and looked at me.

"You know what? Damon's my brother, and I want him to be happy. If he's really what you want, go after him. Find him. Undo the spell. Bring him back. Good luck."

I could sense his pain, the pain that I had caused, and the guilt was overwhelming. I realized that now he would walk out of the door and live with this hurt. And if I went after Damon, I would never be able to take it away. It came down to the same painful choice again. No matter what I did, one of them would inevitably end up hurt.

"Thanks, Stefan," I said, my voice quivering a little. "I'm sorry."

He exhaled loudly. "So am I."

And after that he left.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks everyone for your support, it really means a lot to me. I try to send a message to to everyone who reviewed, so I'm sorry if I failed to reply to any of them. Here's the new chapter, hope you'll like it and would love to read what you think.**

**Special thanks to my beta ****_CreepingMuse_****, who was the inspiration as much as the editor, and, above all, a great friend.**

* * *

Stefan was long gone, and I still couldn't bring myself to do or say anything. How had everything changed so fast? It was too much to understand, too much to accept. Stefan was hurt so badly that he would probably never forgive me. Damon was gone, having done everything to force himself not to care about me. This whole situation was twisted, messed up, and all I knew was that I had to fix it. I never wanted to hurt either Salvatore, but I ended up hurting both in the worst way possible. I'd lied to them, I'd confused them, I'd turned them against each other with my very existence, let alone what I'd said and done. If anyone had to be blamed for the entire situation, it was me.

"Elena, what are you going to do?" asked Caroline. I looked at her and sighed.

"I don't know, Care," I told her. She looked at me with those sympathetic eyes, but I hated it. I wanted her to understand that I didn't deserve her sympathy. "I have to make it right."

She lifted an eyebrow. "And you're going to make it right sitting here and whining?" I didn't answer. Caroline huffed, annoyed. "Elena! It's gonna be okay, trust me. Stefan will get over it. Not right now, but he will."

"But Damon-" I took a deep breath and blinked back the tears that had already started welling up in my eyes. "If we don't find him, I'll lose him. Forever. And I don't think I can stand that." I didn't say anything else. Didn't say his love was the only thing I had gotten used to counting on in my life. Didn't say I had never experienced anything quite as beautiful and powerful. It would be unfair to Caroline, especially now that Tyler had fled MysticFalls and she didn't know if she would ever see him again.

She looked away for a moment and pressed her lips together. "I knew something was going on between you and Damon, you know, but I never realized…" she trailed off. I didn't say anything.

"You know what we're gonna do now?" asked Caroline, jumping to her feet. I recognized her I-have-a-plan expression and smiled in spite of myself. That's Caroline for you. "_That's_ better than the frown, by the way," she pointed at my face. "We're going to go find him. Start packing, we're leaving today."

"Wait, Care," I shook my head. "I can't ask you to do that. You have your own life, and searching the entire country with me isn't exactly what you need now."

"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. There's nothing I can do about Tyler, except hope it'll work out somehow. If he's mad at me for something Klaus did, that's his problem, not mine. I want to help you, so whether you want it or not, I'm going."

What had I ever done to deserve a friend like Caroline? I sensed it all: her true willingness to see everyone she loved happy, her determination to go through with this plan, and hope – a lot of hope. If I didn't have enough on my own by that time, Care's would suffice for both of us.

"Thank you," I told her, and she smiled, happy that I agreed so easily. I returned the smile.

"It's gonna be fun!" she exclaimed, almost jumping. "I'll go home and get my stuff, and Bonnie's probably still there, so I'll tell her you're not mad at her… You aren't, right?"

"Of course I'm not."

"Great. See you when I'm ready."

She winked at me and blurred out of the room. Still smiling, I went downstairs and opened the fridge. I had to be strong for this road trip. And we needed some supplies.

The following hours were all about confessions and apologies. Bonnie came by, looking positively scared, and I reassured her over and over that it was okay and everybody was allowed to make mistakes. I went to Matt's house to see Jeremy (he had been staying there while I was adjusting to my new cravings) and tell him about the trip. Jer only told me to be careful. It wasn't like my confession surprised him. Matt, who probably knew what I was feeling better than anyone, wished me luck. "It's going to be fine, Elena," he said. "You'll find him."

Finally, we were ready to set off. Caroline insisted that we take her car. We put some blood bags in the trunk, some luggage in the back seat and got into the car.

"Have you thought where he might be?" asked Care. "You know, we can't search the whole country in five days."

"I'm not sure," I answered, sighing. "He's probably been everywhere in his life, where do we start?"

It took Caroline about five seconds to come up with an idea. "We need to think of some places important for both of you. Maybe something he would want to remember before the spell takes hold. Any ideas? What about Denver?"

I shook my head doubtfully. "I hurt him there. Well, technically, not there, but that whole thing is hardly his happiest memory of us."

"Then what is his happiest memory? Preferably outside MysticFalls."

I bit my lip, thinking, and then… Of course. How had I not thought of it earlier? If Damon really wanted to say goodbye to _us_, there was only one place where he could have gone.

"If you're right, Care, I know where he's going."

* * *

I had been driving for hours. I didn't even know what time it was, didn't know where exactly I was going. Didn't really care. I started driving west to Tennessee, then at some point I turned south, putting as much distance between myself and Mystic Falls (between myself an Elena) as I could. I wasn't going to stop, not yet anyway. I concentrated on familiar, natural actions: holding the steering wheel, looking at the road, humming along to old rock songs on the radio. That was all I could do so as not to turn around and speed to the town where nobody was waiting for me.

I was doing a really bad job not thinking about Elena. Worse than ever. Even after I'd spent the first hour trying to destroy every bit of doubt or regret in my mind (didn't succeed), controlling my train of thought hadn't gotten easier. The urge to see Elena or hear her voice had subsided to an unpleasant hollowness in my chest, almost easy to ignore, but I still couldn't get her out of my head.

Plus, Witchy hadn't given me any instructions. Would the process speed up or slow down if I didn't think of her? Would it be easier or harder for whatever juju she'd performed to mess with my brain?

All too soon I ran out of memories that were good enough to distract me. I tried to focus on the songs on the radio, but all the songs are about love, so listening to the lyrics proved to be counterproductive. I turned off the radio and concentrated on the road. I failed. The road, the trip, the damn car were related to Elena, too. There was no escaping her. She was with me wherever I went.

Elena was my obsession. My disease. Maybe it had to get worse before it got better.

It was getting dark, and I was exhausted. It probably had to do with the dryness in my throat. I'd stopped just a few times at gas stations to have a drink and grab a bite, but what I needed now was precisely a _bite_. The two glasses of blood I'd had that morning weren't enough. I cursed myself for not taking any blood bags along in my haste to leave (to escape). Damn stupid fugitive.

On the other hand, hunger was a good distraction. I had to think of driving the car, had to ignore the burning in my throat, to wish away the images of blood before my eyes: lounging on the couch and sipping it from a glass, ripping open a blood bag and squeezing it as fast as I could drink, biting into a warm wrist, a yielding neck, a soft thigh. I groaned as my fangs elongated against my will. Damn it. I pulled over, because there was no way I could keep driving with blood clouding my vision. I had to do something about it. Fast.

I smiled as I got out of the car, forcing my face to turn human again (damn, it was already difficult), and walked to the middle of the road. It was my favorite hunting trick I'd perfected over the years. It had an element of surprise – every time it was new, different, exciting. It had an element of risk – the possibility of being run down by a car. (Colliding with several tons of metal was inconvenient even for a vampire – but what was fun without a little danger?) Finally, I got to watch so many different kinds of shock and terror. Some people screamed or yelled, some cried and begged. Some couldn't even make a sound, looking at my vampire face with wide, fearful eyes. The adrenaline in their blood increased, the heart beat faster and faster, and it felt heavenly. Tasted heavenly, too.

Few things in the world could compare to the thrill of hunting. Why had I given it up at all? Why had I started living on tasteless blood in disgusting plastic bags? Ah, right. Elena. Feelings. "You're so close, don't give up." All that shit. I smirked. After all, I met Elena using this trick. Ironic didn't even cover it. I was going to overwrite those memories there and then. I lay down and listened to the sound of a car approaching me.

There was music playing in the car, and I heard only one female voice singing along. Damn. I'd hoped for more fun. But one was good, too. I was too hungry to be picky at that point. The car was getting closer, fast. Probably breaking the speed limit. Soon it was close enough for me to catch the breathing, uneven because of the crappy song. In a few seconds I could make out her heartbeat, the sweetest sound in the entire universe. I closed my eyes and just listened to it. It belonged to me. _She_ belonged to me. I was the hunter and she was the prey.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, hitting the brake pedal. I wasn't moving, wasn't even breathing, eyes closed. I didn't need to see her to know what she was doing. The car door opened and closed. There were footsteps approaching me, uneven breathing, rapid heartbeat.

"Hello?" she asked. I could sense her fear, smell it, I could almost taste it on my tongue. That refined acidic flavor. I hadn't even realized how much I'd missed it. I loved that moment of anticipation, almost as good as the feeding itself. My fangs begged to elongate, but it wasn't the time yet. I felt an incredible surge of power knowing that now the prey was entirely at my mercy. And I had no mercy. Not any more.

I turned my head to look at her and smirked. About thirty; a fragile, slender woman, big green eyes, long brown hair almost like-

No. Not now.

The prey always senses the danger. She shuddered and recoiled from me, tripping over her own feet and falling on her knees. I inhaled deeply. She didn't know she was my prey yet, but her body knew it. An ancient instinct, buried deep within, recognized that I was a predator.

"Sorry, I thought you were, um…" she mumbled, standing up. "Are you okay?"

I let my gaze sweep over her. Too skinny, not really beautiful. But she had a beating heart and warm, delicious blood, and that was enough to make her absolutely perfect.

"I will be now," I said, and the next moment I was standing behind her, one hand cupping her face and the other wrapped around her waist, pressing her to me. She gasped.

"Let me go!" she yelled. "I'll scream!"

"Oh, you will," I answered, smelling the spot between her neck and shoulder that I would tear in a few moments. "What's your name?" I asked.

"G-Grace," she stammered, starting to sob. To me, it was music.

"Don't be afraid," I murmured, stroking her chin – and then I turned her a little so that she could look at me. I finally let my aching fangs show, felt veins snaking under my skin. "No, you know what? _Be_ afraid."

She screamed and I tilted her head, piercing that delicious spot with my fangs. She tried to struggle, but she was too weak – even an average human could take her. She grew quiet and stopped trying to fight me after the first few draws. Too bad. I enjoyed the prey's struggle. It was primal and beautiful: two natural instincts to survive were clashing, battling, but in the end? Mine was always the winner.

I could make it good for her, take her pain away, leave only the masochistic pleasure all humans had in them but few knew about. However, I didn't bother to do it. In the end she would be dead anyway, having given me the greatest gift. Her instinct to survive was mine now, so was her fear, transformed into my power. All her hopes and desires would live in me, if only for a day.

At the end of the day, it wasn't about pleasure or satisfaction. It wasn't even about allaying the hunger. It was about unleashing my true nature. I had been tamed for so long that I had almost forgotten who I was. I had almost become Stefan – I cringed at the thought. That wouldn't do. _This _was exactly what I was supposed to do, and that was the best part.

Her heart was so slow and quiet now that I could barely hear it. The point of no return. If I drank more, Grace would die. I'd carry her into the woods. Probably stop some car on the way and compel the driver to find her, so she wouldn't stay there for too long. It was a perfect plan, easy to execute. The sensation was worth it. If Grace could understand, she would know it, too. I hadn't enjoyed it since-

Bill Forbes. And that indignant, disappointed "_How could you?!_"

Fuck.

Andie had been right. That pathetic, laughable guy who couldn't even enjoy a good kill was who Damon Salvatore had become. So much for being a predator. Nocturnal creature, my ass. A normal vampire wasn't supposed to fear that his prey would die.

I bit into my wrist and pressed it to her mouth.

"Come on, Grace," I muttered, shaking her a little. "Don't die just because you're too lazy to swallow."

Finally, I felt her throat twitch under my hand. Good. She would make it. I let her have a little more blood to speed up the process and waited. I could hear her heart beating faster, now she was holding onto the life she had so easily given up on. Humans. It took almost killing her to see that she was a fighter after all.

An eternity later she groaned and opened her eyes. I locked my gaze with hers and spoke in a quiet, even voice. "You're feeling great. You're gonna go home now, have a little red wine, and get some rest. Tomorrow you may want to relax, too. You never saw me. This never happened. Oh, and try really hard not to die in the next day or two."

She blinked, nodded and went to her car. I watched her get inside, start the engine, turn around and head back the way she came. There was still that crappy pop song playing, and I was – wait a minute, relieved? – yes, relieved, hearing that she started singing along.

Like I said, pathetic.

I got into my own car and started the engine. There were still places to visit and memories to overwrite.

It took me only a few minutes to get to the place where I'd been heading unconsciously all this time. Sandy's Bar. Of course, it had been re-named by the new owner after I'd ripped Bree's heart out. I didn't regret killing her – the bitch deserved it.

I contemplated going in for a drink, but quickly dismissed the idea. Grace's blood was still singing in my veins, and I didn't need to mix it with liquor just yet. Instead, I just walked around the bar. There it was, the same spot where I could have been killed over a year before. Where Elena had saved my life after I'd saved hers. It had been the first time, neither of us knowing yet how many more times there would be in the future.

We never really talked about that later. About the trip, about the time-out, about having fun? Sure. But never about why exactly she'd begged an enraged vampire to spare my life. In the past, I had sometimes allowed myself to indulge in wishful thinking. To imagine that she'd already felt the connection between us, that she'd had some supernatural flash forward and had known one day she would need me. Lovesick moron. Now that the spell was slowly but inevitably working on me, I could come up with a hundred _rational _reasons why she'd done that. She'd been grateful because I'd saved her after the car crash. She hadn't wanted to see _anyone_ dying. She'd been afraid of staying there alone. She'd been worried about getting back to MysticFalls. See? Lots of reasons.

That place meant nothing to me, couldn't mean anything. This was just one of many bars where I had one of my numerous near death experiences and killed one of my numerous lovers.

I kept saying that to myself until I started believing it. The spell was probably helping, because it didn't take long at all. And then I got into the car and fled before I had a chance to invent a new romantic lie.

* * *

Caroline had attempted to start a conversation three times while we were driving, but eventually she'd gotten that I wasn't in the mood and settled for singing along to Taylor Swift. I was mostly quiet, lost in thoughts. Night had fallen, cold and starless, and we had only entered Georgia. I sighed. I had my doubts about finding the way to Bree's bar even in broad daylight – how was I supposed to do it in the dark?

"Relax, Elena," said Caroline, her voice quieter than usual. After all, she had been driving for seven hours, not even letting me behind the wheel. "Have a little faith. At least, trust my good luck." She winked at me and smiled.

In almost an hour, Caroline decided it was time to find out where exactly the bar was. (Or maybe the fifth time I said I was worried about finding it annoyed her.) There was a car ahead, approaching us, and Caroline gestured the driver, a young pale brunette, to stop.

"Excuse me, do you know Bree's Bar near here?"

"No, sorry."

"Thanks." Care flashed a grateful smile at her and the woman nodded. I took a whiff of something familiar in the air, but it dissipated before I had a chance to tell what it was.

The next three attempts weren't successful, either, and just when I was getting desperate, there was a breakthrough. A blond guy in a black Chevy explained how to get there (twice, just in case), and blabbered on about the bar, and that it had a new name, and that it served the best food ever, and that he would love to give us a call if he could have our phone numbers. That was when Caroline huffed and looked him in the eye.

"You haven't ever seen us or talked to us. Drive on. And don't talk so much."

She pressed the accelerator pedal and I chuckled. "Irritable much?"

"Well, he wouldn't shut up," she shrugged.

"Care, he was being helpful!" I objected.

"No, he was being annoying and, um, flirty," she wrinkled her nose. "And he wouldn't shut up. I thought we were in a hurry."

Oh God, yes.

"Don't worry, we'll be there soon." She had definitely noticed my expression. "If that's where Damon went, he's probably cutting their liquor supply by half at the moment. Or flirting with girls… though that might be not what you need to hear right now."

I smiled. "Doesn't matter, as long as we find him on time."

She nodded and after that we drove in silence for another half an hour. I was sleepy and wasn't really paying attention to our surroundings, so I snapped out of my reverie only when Caroline pulled up and asked: "Is this the place?"

"Yes." Now that we were there, I recognized the bar at once. The sign was different, and there were a few more cars, but otherwise, it looked the same. I scanned the parking lot for Damon's Camaro, but couldn't find it.

"He's not here," I said. I was disappointed; more than that, frightened. I had no other ideas about where to look for him, not yet anyway. Caroline rolled her eyes at my desperate voice.

"You don't know that," said Care cheerfully. "He could-"

"What, ditch his car? He loves it," I argued.

"Just get out," she groaned. I knew my pessimism was getting on her nerves, but I couldn't help myself. The stakes were too high.

I got out of the car, inhaled deeply, enjoying the fresh air, and then I smelled it. A unique musky scent. The one I'd been able to recognize even as a human. The one I'd learned to the subtlest nuances since I'd become a vampire.

"He was here!" I exclaimed, and Caroline, who was yawning at that moment, smiled proudly.

"Told you." Oh, she just had to have the last word. But I didn't mind, didn't care. It hadn't been that hard to find Damon, after all. It would all be over in a few minutes. I'd just walk in, find him at the bar with a bottle of whiskey and talk to him. I'd tell him everything I should have said long ago. He would be skeptical, distrustful, but in the end I'd convince him that I was telling the truth, and he'd kiss me, and Caroline would make a few cute but inappropriate comments and we'd all go home.

Still a little nervous, I approached the entrance. Caroline compelled the security guard and we went inside.

I scanned the crowd, but Damon didn't seem to be there. His scent didn't get stronger, either. In fact, I couldn't smell it at all any more. I took a deep breath as panic washed over me again, and then I heard an all too familiar voice. My own voice.

"My, my, half the Mystic Falls Vampire Club is here. Is Stefan coming?"

Katherine lifted an eyebrow, looking at us with an eerie smile on her lips.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N. Sorry for the delay - minor Internet problems. Let me know what you think. Hope you all enjoy reading the chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. In any case, let me know.**

**Special thanks - you all know. It's thanks to ****_CreepingMuse_**** that this chapter is a lot better than it was originally. If there are any mistakes, they're all mine.**

* * *

Katherine was sitting on a stool at the bar, head tilted, eyes shining with excitement. It couldn't be a coincidence. If she was there, she knew everything. Probably had a plan. Caroline, who was standing beside me, let out a quiet growl. She hated Katherine as much as I did, if not more. I looked over my shoulder and nodded slightly to tell her not to worry.

"Where's Damon?" I asked, and her grin turned into a smirk, eyes widening in mock surprise. If she wasn't a vampire, she would probably already have crow's feet.

"Isn't he in his usual place at your feet?" she quipped, and I had to clench my fists, nails leaving crescent marks on my skin, and take a few deep breaths so as not to vamp out in front of all those people. Katherine watched my inner struggle with condescension.

"It also helps if you think of someone you really love," she commented matter-of-factly. "Oh, sorry, sore subject."

I wanted to ask "What would _you_ know about love?" but it wasn't the time for exchanging snarky remarks. Not to mention she would undoubtedly win. Instead, I repeated my question. "Do you know where he is?"

"Maybe I do. Maybe I don't," she all but sang. "Give me one good reason why I should tell you."

She probably knew something. There was no way she could've just happened to be at the same place. On the other hand, it was Katherine. The bitch was about to play some game, and I would have to follow the rules. So instead of grabbing her hair, which was my initial urge, I sat onto the stool next to her. Katherine waved at Caroline, telling her to go away with a jerk of her head.

"You don't get to-" started my friend, but I couldn't let her interfere. Not now.

"Hush, girl," said Katherine, annoyed, and before Caroline could answer, I shook my head and mouthed "Don't. Please."

Care scoffed indignantly, but obeyed.

"Because you have no reason not to tell me," I tried, but Katherine shook her head.

"Not good enough."

"Okay," I sighed and did my best to imitate her businesslike expression. "What do you want?"

"For starters," she frowned, pretending she was thinking, "why don't you tell me why you are looking for Damon?"

"He left town, and I need him," I said. Lying to Katherine was pointless. I had to be honest. She tilted her head again and lifted both eyebrows, like what I'd just said wasn't what she'd expected.

"Oh, Elena," she drawled, "you really can't live without both Salvatores worshiping you, can you?"

I lunged at her, but she grabbed my wrist and squeezed it so hard I had to bite my lip so as not to cry out in pain – a quiet reminder that even if I was a vampire now, she was still older and stronger, and would always be. Caroline was by my side as fast as she could without resorting to vampire speed, but I mouthed "It's okay," while Katherine only sent her an annoyed look. Care rolled her eyes.

"Screw you, Katherine," she spat and returned to her chair at one of the tables, letting me handle the situation on my own. I was afraid Katherine would get mad and start a fight, but she didn't give Caroline another thought.

"Doesn't Stefan do it for you any more?" asked Katherine. "You're so horny and desperate that you're looking for Damon?"

I grabbed her hand that was still holding my wrist and dug my nails into her skin. I knew I couldn't cause her any serious damage, but the feeling of causing her pain was good enough. I had almost gotten used to these cruel, inhuman urges. She shook my hand off, not batting an eyelid.

"You have a point, I must admit," she went on. "Damon is such a passionate boy. He's amazing between the sheets. Actually, that may be the only thing he's good at."

She rendered me speechless. Not that I didn't know she had no heart and no remorse, but it was one thing to know and a totally different thing to hear her say it. Damon had spent most of his life chasing her, pining for this woman who had never even considered him a _person_. For her, he had never been more than a body.

How could she not see everything else that was beautiful about him? How could she ignore how loyal and loving he was? How _dare_ she speak about him like that?

"You aren't worth a single moment he spent loving you, bitch," I spat. At that moment I wanted to shred Katherine to pieces and burn them up. I wanted to stake her a thousand times. And it almost hurt that I couldn't do any of that.

She shrugged. "Neither are you."

I stepped back, biting my bottom lip. I'd wanted Katherine to be in pain, but ended up hurting myself. Unlike her, I had weaknesses. Unlike me, she knew where to hit. What hurt the most was that she'd told the absolute truth.

"I _love_ him," I said, hating my quivering voice. Katherine scoffed.

"You sure?" I inhaled deeply again. "You don't even know what love is," she mused, spinning on the stool. "You always wanted the Salvatore brothers to be who you needed them to be. Once Stefan fell off the wagon, you ran straight to Damon. Is that what they call loyalty these days?"

_Don't listen to her, Elena. Don't let her manipulate you. She wants you to break down, to feel pain. Don't let her do that to you._

I repeated my mantra over and over and did my best to ignore Katherine, but she kept talking, playing my every fear and insecurity, her words burning me like vervain.

"You think you love Damon, but will you be able to deal with all the horrible things he's done?" Yes, I would. But I didn't owe her an explanation, so I kept quiet, trying to look scornful, even though I would never be able to pull off that look as well as Katherine could.

"I know what you're thinking about," she went on. "You're thinking I'm a heartless bitch. The question is, are you better? I've loved Stefan for a century and a half. I love him when he's all righteous; it's adorable. Sort of funny, too. I love him when he murders in cold blood or tears his victims to pieces. I love him, whoever he is. You, on the other hand? You couldn't accept him for who he was."

"Are you going to answer my question, or are you just here to lecture me?" I asked. Katherine's smirk faded a little. She was clearly unhappy about my reaction – or lack thereof. She regained her composure quickly, a lot faster than I would.

_Focus, Elena. Think._ _What can you do to make her tell you?_

I shrugged. "Fine. You don't wanna talk, so don't. I'll find him on my own." I made a move to slide off the stool, but Katherine grabbed my shoulder to hold me in place.

"Ah-ah," she wagged a finger at me, grinning. "The game's not over yet."

"I don't have time for games, Katherine. Bye. See you… hopefully never," I said. She rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.

"You're no fun. Okay, fine. Sit down. Since as long as you're with Damon, Stefan's available, I guess I can help you.

It was a little unsettling to think of Katherine and Stefan getting back together – had she really been expecting me to leave him all along? But at that moment I didn't care much. I climbed back onto the stool and looked her in the eye, mirroring her contemptuous gaze. She snorted and turned to the bar, compelling the bartender to get us a cocktail each. When he was back, she compelled him to leave us alone and turned back to me.

I sipped the pink liquid and looked at Katherine. "You were saying?"

"Damon arrived an hour ago, maybe more," she informed me, playing with her hair. "He wandered around a few minutes and then drove away. I saw him from the window, so he didn't see me."

Oh God. We had been so close. We'd been just an hour late. If we drove fast, we might still be able to catch up with him!

"Why are you here at all?"

Katherine laughed, shaking her head. "Believe it or not, Elena, sometimes things just happen. There was no way for me to find out he would be here, so I didn't have any secret diabolical plan, which you're clearly suspicious of. I really just happen to like this bar."

I didn't want to believe her. It would be so much easier to lash out at Katherine, accuse her of doing something horrible, but I had no evidence. For now, I had no choice but to assume she was telling the truth.

"Where did he go?"

Katherine rolled her eyes. "I'm smart, Elena, but I'm not a mind-reader. He drove toward Atlanta, that's all I can say."

"And _that_'s what you consider very helpful?" I asked, scoffing. Looking unimpressed was always the best strategy with Katherine. "I need something better than that." She smirked and shook her head.

"And they say that _I_ am impatient and impulsive. Look at Saint Elena getting all bitchy." She looked me in the eye, and I held her gaze, even though it still felt weird to look at Katherine, like she was my somewhat twisted reflection. She was the first to look away. "I promise to help you if you do something first."

I sighed. Katherine was so frustrating. She saw through me. She obviously knew I was desperate and ready to do anything she asked. Didn't mean I would give in immediately.

"What do you want? Another game?"

"Elena, not everything I want is fun and games," she said in mock offense, but in a moment her smirk disappeared and her face turned almost serious. "I want you to ask me. Not demand, not…threaten," she snorted at that word, "but ask."

So she thought it would humiliate me. She didn't know me at all. "That's it?" I asked.

"Almost. I also want Stefan to know what I did for you. I want him to know that I helped you because I sympathized with you, but also that I am sorry for him, and if he needs any support… Even if he thinks I'm a bitch-"

"…and you are," I interrupted before I could stop myself.

"I am," she shrugged. "But I think we've established that I love him, more than you ever did. So if you want my help… I suggest that you agree."

"Deal," I said. "Katherine, will you _please_ help me find Damon?" She looked at me expectantly, and I continued. "And I promise to tell Stefan how kind you were to me, and that if he needs support, you're there for him."

She flashed me what could be mistaken for a sincere smile if I didn't know better.

"Good," she said. "Now let's start your express course in vampire tracking."

* * *

I found a secluded motel and drove around it to park the car. Blood or not, I needed to get some rest. Now that there wasn't any immediate threat for me to handle while everyone else was brooding or giving up, I could as well watch some movies on TV or get some sleep. I could finally relax and not worry about anything or anyone.

Yeah. Like that was going to be easy.

It took just a little compulsion to get a good room – as good as they had. I chose a crappy motel; that's what my intuition told me, and even though I should have known better than to trust it by now, I decided to listen. Still, it didn't mean I didn't care about a proper shower and a good TV.

The clerk, Julia, showed me around, trying to flirt a little in the process. (She was _so_ not good at flirting.) She was young, blond and easy to compel. That last point was the only attractive thing about her – otherwise, she had too much make-up, cracked nail polish and a bored expression. I wasn't gonna sleep with her, but perhaps she would be willing to make a little donation in the morning.

I stepped into the shower (God, I missed my bathroom so much) and tried to follow through with my relax-and-don't-think-about-anything plan. I concentrated on the pleasant sensation of warm water on my skin, and it was almost enough to distract me. Almost.

Or I could think about what I would do next. For the first time in a year and a half I was free to do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted and not have this constant fear or, worse, responsibility. No damsel in distress to soothe. No evil vampires threatening to kill her. No minor problems to deal with. It was just me, my car and the road ahead.

Well, at the moment it was me, hot water and my breakfast-to-be waiting downstairs.

I dried myself off and slipped on a robe. The bedsheets didn't look clean enough to sleep naked; I had standards. I'd have to buy clothes tomorrow – should've taken some with me. Of course, I'd had to storm out of the house, because this big, dangerous vampire had been scared by a phone call.

I lay down on the bed, grabbing the remote control. The TV wasn't as good as mine, but I really didn't care – I just wanted to find something distracting enough. Preferably without a romantic plot line. I flipped the channels – my restrictions didn't leave me a lot of choice. I ended up watching an action movie, something with a lot of running and jumping and shooting and explosions and stuff like that. The main character was trying to save the day (who would save the day in MysticFalls without me?), the bad guys were trying to kill him (what if someone tried to kill Stefan?), he was smarter and craftier but had a terribly bad luck. The movie had nothing on my daily life. Still, the special effects were good enough, the plot was at least a little believable and there were a lot of events to hold my attention (what if-). That would do.

It was during the commercial that I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know if everything was all right. I walked downstairs quietly and found Julia reading _Cosmo_ with a bored face.

"Oh, Mr. Salvatore!" she greeted, smiling. (God, she seemed bored even when she was smiling, maybe that was just what her face looked like.) "Can I help you?"

"Yes, Julia," I smiled, eying her just out of habit. "I need you to make a call for me."

"But I can give you the phone, if you'd-"

"Make a call for me."

Her pupils dilated and she nodded without even realizing it.

Of course I decided to compel her. Patience was a virtue, so I didn't have it. Compulsion was the faster, easier, better way to get things done. Maybe it was also wrong and immoral. Like I care.

"Who should I call?" asked Julia and I told her the number, specifying she had to use her cell phone – if I called from the hotel, Stefan could easily find out where I was. Julia dialed and I walked to the other side of the hall, shutting down my vampire hearing for a moment. It wasn't like the woman could question my actions while she was under compulsion.

I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin my perfect plan. That was exactly why I needed Julia. She would ensure I would only hear Stefan's voice. Knowing my brother, if Elena asked him to give her the phone, he probably would. Or she could be sitting in his lap and talking romantic shit loudly enough for me to hear.

"Say that you would like to speak to Stefan. Then you will tell me the exact words he tells you and answer what I say. You will not say anything else. Do you understand?"

She nodded and we both waited for my little brother to answer the phone.

"I would like to speak to Stefan," she said as instructed, and in a few seconds reported, "This is Stefan, who is speaking?"

"Tell him it's Damon calling," I said, and she obeyed. It was almost funny to hear her trying to imitate the way Stefan and I talked.

"Where is he?" he asked. Yeah, like I would tell you, Stef. I had a more important thing to discuss, so our weird conversation with a mediator went on.

"I cannot tell you. Is Elena there?"

"No, she's not."

I compelled Julia to be quiet and grabbed the phone.

"Stef, it's me."

"Did you compel that girl to call me?" I rolled my eyes. Way to look at the bigger picture, brother.

"Please, spare me your compulsion-is-bad speech. Is everything okay at home?"

"No, it's not."

"What happened?" I asked quickly. Damn it. I'd just _known_ something would come up the minute I left the goddamn town.

"It's Elena." Okay, three words at a time. Stefan had developed some witch-y habits. God, that was annoying.

"What about her?"

"She…left me."

Damn it, Stefan. A breakup can't be on the list of things "not okay at home" in our crazy lives. He could've said it right away. After the momentary relief that I felt realizing it had nothing to do with murderous supernatural creatures, I was confused. When I'd left, they'd been happy and in love, and ten hours later they broke up? They were supposed to enjoy the time they had with me out of picture, not fight. It didn't make any sense.

"Why the hell did she do that?"

"She knows about the spell, Damon. She…decided to look for you. She and Caroline are trying to find you and bring you home."

Oh my God. Stefan had _one job _– to keep Elena out of this. What had the chances been that he'd fail to do even that?

Well, we were both good at fucking things up. It runs in the family.

"What the fuck did you do?"

"It wasn't me," said Stefan dully. "Bonnie told Caroline, Caroline told Elena. Elena had an epiphany. So you can give up the whole ritual thing now and come home."

"Why would I do that?" I asked. "Please, don't tell me that you seriously believe she left you."

"Well, I do!" he almost shouted; I winced. "It's not every day that I hear-" What? What had she said? It couldn't have been the truth, anyway. "Look, Damon, just come home. There's no point in that spell now."

"I'm not coming back, Stef. Whatever Elena thinks she feels… She's just afraid she'll lose me. Well, tell her I'll be there for her whenever she needs me. I know it's right, and you know it, and Elena will understand it, too. She's young and emotional. Give her some time. She'll be with you again before you know it."

Stefan didn't speak for a very long time. When it became too much for even the longest pause, I cleared my throat to remind him that I was still waiting for him to say something.

"You're wrong," said Stefan finally. "She more than cares about you, you know."

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see me. "She doesn't. And it doesn't matter anymore. Or it won't matter soon." I could hear him sigh heavily, and I did the same. Whatever Elena had told Stefan, he didn't deserve it. And now he was hurting because of another lie she'd decided to invent. That infuriating indecisive bitch.

Now that was something I wouldn't have said yesterday.

"Take care, brother," I added quietly and ended the call before Stefan had a chance to say anything else.

* * *

I hated to admit it, but centuries of chasing and being chased, running and hiding had made Katherine the best teacher when it came to looking for people (or vampires). Hotels, car numbers, cell phones, common friends and enemies, memories and places – she had it all figured out. I was actually tempted to take notes.

"Okay, now you check the hotels and then talk to Stefan, he may know the places that are important to Damon. I'll talk to some old friends. If I find him, I'll call you."

After this conversation, it already seemed like we had a plan. Maybe I didn't know where he was, but I knew what to do, and with Katherine on our side, looking for Damon was suddenly almost easy.

"Thank you," I told her. Hesitating a little, I still added: "I'm glad to have you on our team."

Katherine smirked. "Good for you. But I need you to remember one thing. I'm not on your team, Elena. We have a deal. Don't mistake that for…bonding, as you tend to do."

"Don't worry. I won't," I said lamely. Katherine slipped off her stool.

"Well, talk to you later, I hope. Until then, girls," she waved us goodbye and went out of the bar.

"She's such a bitch. But she knows what she's doing," commented Caroline. I nodded.

"You know I don't really like the idea of working with Katherine, but what other choice do I have?"

"Shh, don't sweat it. I understand. Are you really going to tell Stefan what she asked you to tell him?"

"I promised. I have to," I shrugged. "But I won't do it today. It's too soon."

Caroline nodded.

"Do you think she really loves him?" she asked. I pressed my lips together and looked away.

"Well, Katherine's wanted him for a century and a half. And she was right, she does accept him no matter what. I guess, she loves him. Even if in a twisted, insane, Katherine way."

Caroline's phone rang and she fumbled for it in her pocket.

"Speaking of," she said and handed it to me. I answered.

"Hi, Stefan. Sorry, my phone died."

"I talked to Damon," he said. I gasped. If I had been there, if I'd had a chance to say at least one word to him-

"What did he say? How is he?"

"I told him you're looking for him, Elena. He didn't change his mind. Damon's not coming home."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N. Sorry for the delay. I'm feeling guiltier than Elena, if that's possible, but I hope the chapter lives up to your expectations.**

**If it does, all the credit goes to _CreepingMuse_. In case somebody didn't know that, she's the best. She helped me understand I needed to rewrite quite a few parts of the chapter and also beta'd it. Twice. If there's any remaining problem, it's because I'm not attentive enough. **

**Hope you like the chapter. In any case, tell me.**

* * *

Stupid, stubborn vampire. Damn moron. Bastard.

After Stefan told me his brother refused to come home, I cursed Damon non-stop; that was all I could do not to break down in front of Caroline _again_. Why, why did he have to make everything so much harder? Stefan told Damon I was looking for him, but of course, that son of a bitch thought he knew better. He thought he had a better idea of what I wanted and who I wanted. I swore I would _make_ him see that I would be there for him, that I loved him and wasn't going anywhere.

Then there was a short drive to Atlanta with a very irritable Caroline. My friend tried not to show it, but she was tired. Actually, it was safe to say Care was exhausted, since she even let me drive. She did her best to have a nap in the passenger seat while I drove to every good hotel in Atlanta, compelling the clerks to tell me whether Damon had been there, showing them his picture on my phone and asking whether they'd seen him. I knew it was wrong, but I would have time for guilt later – we had to act quickly. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Nobody had seen him.

"Elena, enough is enough," said Caroline when I returned to the car for the umpteenth time. "We need to get some rest."

"No," I shook my head. "We need to keep trying, now that we have a lead."

Care sighed. "I understand, Elena. Believe me, I do. But it's almost two a.m. You're barely awake. You need blood, food and some sleep. And so do I. We'll keep looking for him in the morning, okay?"

I sighed in defeat. She was right. Talking to the hotel staff the last few times I had already felt the hunger, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. "Fine," I said. "But tomorrow we set off as early as we can. I'm sorry, Care, but that's what I have to do."

She nodded, and we went to the hotel I'd left a minute ago to get a room for the night.

* * *

I woke up when the damn sun shone through the window right into my face. Well, my fault, sort of. Should've closed the shades yesterday. But after I compelled Julia to forget my talk with Stefan I'd gone to my room, dropped onto the bed and forced myself to fall asleep.

Speaking of Julia, I needed to feed. The very thought of fresh, warm blood was mouthwatering. It wouldn't be hard to make the girl willing. Plus, I was going to leave her a really good tip.

On my way downstairs I contemplated my schedule for the day. I could go to Denver. Maybe looking at the dirty motel hallway I knew a little too well I would make sure that the whole incident was nothing. Nothing more than Elena's sexual frustration getting the better of her. Not that the hallway was really different in this shabby motel.

And then I realized that Elena wasn't the first thing on my mind when I'd woken up.

Now I was certain the spell was working. I could finally remember what it was like not to think about Elena all the time – on a regular day, I would wake up with her name on my lips and carry her image to my dreams. I had forgotten what it was like not to feel the iron fist clenching my heart at every thought of her. What it was like not to long for her with every fiber of my being. The pain was still there, but it had dulled, become easy to ignore.

It felt _incredible_.

Julia was there. She looked exhausted, like she hadn't gotten much sleep last night. I wasn't sorry; soon I would feed her my blood and she'd feel better than ever. Remorse was the last thing on my mind when I compelled Julia to believe biting was the best thing in the world and tore her skin with my fangs.

Drinking from her was good, though not even close to what I'd felt with Grace. The naïve helpful brunette on the road was _prey._ Julia was food. There was no thrill, no danger, no element of surprise. The whole process was almost as dull as getting groceries from a supermarket. Well, at least I wouldn't be hungry.

When I finished my breakfast, Julia looked like she would fall asleep any minute. She probably didn't even know what was going on. I fed her just a little blood (she looked significantly happier after that) and went upstairs to shower and change. When I was in the hall again, Julia wished me a safe trip. I laughed.

First I visited a few stores in Atlanta to get some clothes – I needed something fresh to wear. Then I drove out of the city and headed north to Missouri.

The drive was relaxing. I enjoyed the wind ruffling my hair, the comfort of the car and even the songs on the radio. The lyrics didn't bother me any more. Not really. And I didn't start thinking about Elena until I decided it was time to check how the spell was progressing. Credit where credit's due, the witch hadn't screwed up this time. Obviously, it was working very well.

At the end of the day, Elena was just like any other girl out there. She was cute, but there were more beautiful women. She wasn't stupid, but not really all that smart most of the time, either. She was funny, especially when she thought she could outsmart me, and excessively self-important. She often jumped to conclusions and made more wrong decisions than right.

Why had I ever thought Elena was perfect for me?

"_I like you now. Just the way you are._"

I forced that little voice in my mind to shut up.

I left the car at a private parking lot in Nashville. Call me paranoid, but I decided it was the safest option. I rented another car, compelling everybody who talked to me to forget about it. Then I drove on to St. Louis. There was another memory I needed to overwrite.

* * *

Caroline and I decided to split up to cover more area. She took the car. I preferred to run, hoping it would clear my head. Needless to say, there was no progress. We met at midday to drink a little blood, and I welcomed the hunger. It was the only thing that kept me from breaking down.

"This was the last good hotel in the area," I said, shaking my head. "Wherever Damon was, he probably took care of the staff. We're not gonna find him. He's smart and experienced, and… Well, you know Damon's plans. He takes _everything_ into account. And now that he knows we're looking for him, he'll make sure to hide better than ever." I hesitated for a moment, and then added: "What am I going to do if we don't find him in time? If now that I finally know he's the only one I want, he doesn't need me any more? I deserve it, but-" I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"Do you really have to be so pessimistic?" Caroline lifted an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "We have a plan. We've been to every decent hotel here, and Katherine hasn't called yet, so now it's time to call Stefan and ask him what places he knows that are important to Damon."

I didn't know how I felt about that. It seemed too soon. It was definitely too cruel to ask the man I'd abandoned to help me find the man I'd left him for. I'd hurt Stefan so much, and he didn't deserve any of that. He was a good person, and-

No time for guilt. I had to do it, because I didn't have any other options.

Stefan didn't answer the phone right away. If he didn't want to talk to me, I would understand. Yesterday he'd called because he was being nice. It didn't mean that he was at peace with the idea of Damon and me together.

"Elena," he answered after a few rings, and I sighed, relieved.

"Stefan, hi," I said quietly, bracing myself. "I need your help."

At first he didn't say anything. Then I heard a hesitant, uncertain "Sure."

"I need to know where Damon could be. I haven't really heard much about his life before you both returned to Mystic Falls, so I thought you might know some places that you feel are important to him."

I heard him sigh as tried to think of something. _Please, please, he _has to_ know something. As it so often happens, he's my last hope._

"I'm sorry, Elena," said Stefan finally, and I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together to avoid another panic attack. "Damon tried to follow my life and I'm pretty sure he always knew where I was. I didn't do the same for him. Sorry, but I can't help you."

"It's okay. Thank you," I whispered and hung up. Caroline looked unsurprised.

"Of course, he didn't want to help you," she said. "I mean, you broke up with the guy, like, yesterday. He's not even close to being over it."

"No, Care, it's not like that." I shook my head. "I know Stefan. He wouldn't refuse to help me just because he's upset or jealous. He's a good person."

"Whatever you say," she shrugged. To be honest, I didn't feel like discussing Stefan's personality. Not now that Damon was still missing.

"What are we going to do?" I asked, and Caroline hurried to explain before I even had a chance to feel despair.

"Well, for starters, I'll call my mom and ask if she has some connections that can help track Damon's car. If she can't help, we could just compel traffic cops on the major roads. Some of them had to see Damon, unless he ditched his car, which you said isn't gonna happen. And of course, don't forget about our wonder woman," she scrunched up her nose, "Katherine."

"Sounds like you have a plan," I said, smiling, and Caroline returned my smile.

"I always do."

* * *

_The drive from Mary's house to Mystic Falls was quiet. Jeremy passed out in the backseat, but Elena was still awake. It wasn't the comfortable silence we were both used to; it was charged with tension, with things Elena and I had said to each other, things we had done. I heard her sigh heavily every now and then, and I knew she might be in pain, but there was nothing I could do. The first time she groaned softly, I had asked her if she wanted my blood. Of course, she didn't. She said she had painkillers. I didn't bring up the subject again. If Elena didn't want or need my help, there was nothing I could do for her._

_Two hours later, Elena attempted to start a conversation._

"_Damon…" she said, looking at me apologetically._

"_What?" I asked, turning to face her. I pressed my lips together, giving her a glare. She almost recoiled from me, shaking her head._

"_No, it's nothing."_

_I shrugged and looked at the road again._

_After a few more hours of looks and sighs, we reached St. Louis. I pulled up to McDonald's, and Elena looked at me, frowning in confusion._

"_You need to eat," I said. She shook her head._

"_I'm not hungry."_

"_Well, I am. We aren't going to get to Mystic Falls until evening. I'll get you something." Elena looked away and nodded._

"_Okay."_

_I went to McDonald's and got fries, Coke and snacks. When I got back to the car, Jeremy was already awake and hungry, judging by the way he attacked the fries. Elena ate, too, looking at me, while I busied myself with a blood bag, not really caring that Elena and her brother were there. She was still quiet. Jeremy, on the other hand, seemed to feel like talking, because he babbled non-stop, asking me about the trip, the car, how the things were in Mystic Falls. Maybe he could also feel the tension and tried to help in his own way. Or maybe I gave the kid more credit than he deserved. His gaze darted between Elena and me, and I had a feeling he was still not over what he had walked in on the night before. Not that I was over it._

_Jeremy was clearly unhappy about my unenthusiastic answers and Elena's silence._

"_Look, guys, I don't know what's going on-"_

"_Nothing," said Elena quickly. I smirked and lifted my eyebrows. Elena's eyes widened and she opened her mouth, like she wanted to say something. Jeremy looked at us both and quickly excused himself._

"_Gotta use the bathroom." He got out of the car. For the first time since the conversation at Scary Mary's, we were completely alone. I looked ahead, not even bothering to turn to Elena._

"_Damon, I didn't mean-" she started, but I interrupted her._

"_I think I've already heard that, Elena. Whatever you say to me, you don't mean it. I got it. You can spare me the speech."_

_She inhaled deeply._

"_Look at me, please," she begged, but I didn't move. Elena waited for a little while and then put her hand on my cheek, trying to make me face her. Coward that I am, I surrendered under her tender touch and let her turn my face to her._

"_I'm sorry," she said. "I don't want you to think that… what happened didn't mean anything to me. It meant a lot."_

_I pressed my lips together and turned away from Elena. Her hand dropped on her lap._

"_Figure out what you want, Elena." I hated my voice for sounding so tired. So vulnerable. I saw her nod._

_Then Jeremy got into the car and he and Elena started talking about school and their friends. I drove on, not saying another word._

Standing outside the same McDonald's and eating the same fries, I wanted to laugh at myself for being so stupid. Because back then, no matter how well I had pretended not to believe her, there was a tiny foolish part of me that still had hope. That was the last time I had allowed myself to hope.

And the next day, she invited Stefan to the dance.

No, she meant exactly what she said. Now that I could think clearly, I knew it for sure. Elena had apologized for a lot of reasons. She didn't want to hurt me. She didn't want to feel bad for it. She wanted everything to be all right. Unfortunately, nothing could be all right, because I wanted her to be more than she could be, and she couldn't help speaking her mind, always forgetting to sugarcoat it.

I found a dark alley and sat down on the ground, waiting for prey. It was time to hunt.

* * *

Sheriff Forbes told us there was nothing she could do. After she had been fired, she tried to keep as far away from her ex-colleagues as she could. She didn't know which of them were friends and which enemies any more. Caroline talked to her mom, trying to reassure her, and we proceeded to plan B.

Compelling the traffic cops turned out a lot more difficult than it had sounded when Caroline had first invented the plan. We would stop whenever we saw one and sometimes we couldn't find the right way and thought we'd already lost the trail. It was already afternoon when we reached Nashville, and no matter how hard we tried to keep searching, the trail broke off.

"Maybe that's a good thing!" said Caroline, cheerful. "He must be here, in the city."

She was tired, so I almost begged her to get some rest. Care reluctantly agreed. Then she drank a little blood and curled up in the passenger seat while I drove from one hotel to another until I couldn't see straight any more.

The night fell. I got us a room for the night; then I dropped onto the bed and cried myself to sleep, praying that the next day I would find Damon and it would all be over.

I woke up when my phone started ringing. I felt around for it and struggled to open my eyes and see who was calling. When I did, I bolted upright, forgetting about sleep completely. Katherine.

"Did you find him?" I asked immediately, and heard her chuckle.

"Hello to you, too, Elena," she purred, and I rolled my eyes. Caroline stirred, muttering "But it's 4 a.m."

"Get to the point, Katherine. Please," I hissed.

"Be nice," she scolded me. "After all, I've found your dear Damon."

"What?" I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. Where is he?"

"St. Louis," she said. I frowned in confusion. St. Louis? Why? I had never been there. Or… I gasped. Of course.

Damon had lived for a century and a half. He could go anywhere, and yet he chose the places that meant something for _us_.

Then there was still hope.

I knew he hadn't really forgiven me there, and he'd been right. What I had done was so cruel. But when I caressed his cheek and for one brief moment his cold, emotionless eyes flickered with love, I was happy. I wanted so much to return his love. But I hadn't been ready.

I was ready now.

"Did he see you? Did you talk to him?" I asked.

"Not yet," said Katherine. "He's in a bar now, I'm watching him from outside. Where are you?"

"Nashville."

"Not bad," she commented in a voice that I could almost call approving. "I'll go try to detain him. Stay in touch." Katherine hung up.

I had no idea how the spell was supposed to work. What if Damon saw Katherine? Maybe if he even for a moment thought it was me, the spell would be broken? Or maybe there would be some other consequence? There was no way to find out. But I had no other choice.

"Time to wake up?" said Caroline sleepily. I smiled.

"Sorry."

"Hey," she sat up and patted my arm. "We found him. It's almost over."

I nodded, wiping tears of happiness. "I know."

* * *

I finished my whiskey and ordered another bottle. I needed it to complete the new exercise I invented: enumerating every situation when Elena hurt me and I hurt her. I remembered everything, starting with scaring her with my crow in the cemetery. When I reached point twenty-three of my list, somebody sat on the stool next to me.

"Drowning your sorrows?"

I groaned. Katherine. Of course.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Having fun," she shrugged and ordered a cocktail.

I carefully examined what I was feeling. I still despised Katherine. I didn't want to hear about Elena. The spell was working perfectly well. Kudos to the witch.

"So, is there any particular reason for you to be here annoying me?"

Katherine shrugged again. "Is there any particular reason for you to be hiding in this dive?"

I was about to tell her to go to hell, but then I realized she knew something.

"Why do you think I'm 'hiding'?" I asked.

"Because Elena's chasing you." I groaned again. The whole fucking world was conspiring against me. "So, tell me, Damon, why are you running away? It's not like you."

"Like you care," I snorted.

Katherine smirked. "Humor me."

The alcohol was probably already affecting me, because suddenly I found myself talking about the ritual to the last person in the world I'd normally confide in.

"Bonnie cast a spell to make me stop loving Elena. For it to work, I can't see her for a while. Five days or so, Witchy said. And she wants to see me. But I can't see her," I explained. I wasn't sure if my explanation was coherent enough, but Katherine tilted her head, which meant she found it interesting.

"So why are you still doing it? I've seen you around Elena. You're insanely in love with the girl," she rolled her eyes at her own remark.

"Not any more," I pointed out. It was the truth. In love? Yes, still. Insanely? That was in the past. Anyway, why the hell did everyone, including _Katherine_, think I needed therapy or relationship advice? I was fine.

"She left _Stefan_ to be with _you_," she said incredulously.

"Elena doesn't-"

"She's searching the entire country now, trying to find you and bring you home," Katherine went on, ignoring me entirely.

"So?" I shrugged. She shook her head in disbelief.

"You're an idiot."

I didn't quite follow her logic. "Why am I an idiot this time?"

"Elena broke up with _Stefan_. For you. Doesn't that mean-?"

"No," I interrupted. "It doesn't mean anything. You know Elena, and how she is with Stefan. They always have this lovey-dovey thing going on, it's like fucking _Twilight_, we just need to spray Stefan with glitter."

Katherine laughed. "I say that if the woman you love is chasing you, you're one lucky bastard."

"Yeah, because Stefan's _so_ happy that you always stalk him."

I meant for her to get offended, but Katherine laughed again. "I figure you don't want to talk about it."

"Nope."

She ordered two beers. I didn't really care what we drank, so long as it had alcohol. Katherine wanted beer, then beer it was.

"To freedom of choice," she toasted. I shrugged, but clinked bottles with her. I had already made my choice, and it was freedom.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Here's chapter 6. If you like it, you know why. _CreepingMuse_. The best.**

* * *

When Katherine wasn't being a conniving bitch, she made a damn good drinking buddy.

We spent some time drinking beer and trying to find something to talk about Given our long list of obvious taboos, that wasn't easy. Since Katherine vetoed the weather, the politics and movies, we wound up talking about vampires we both knew. I mostly reminisced about my fights with them; Katherine added some fun facts. We managed to maintain a civil conversation for half an hour, and that was probably a new record.

Of course, Katherine had to ruin it.

"Yeah, that was such a stupid fight. It still doesn't beat your idiotic attempts to protect Elena from the Originals."

I frowned. "I said I didn't want to talk about Elena."

Katherine went on, not batting an eyelid.

"It's just so ridiculous in the long run, isn't it? You went through so much trouble and yet it all ended with the inevitable."

"Well, it didn't _have_ to be inevitable," I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn. I had to control what I was saying. Katherine looked at me, her gaze inquiring. I swore under my breath and explained: "Well, my little brother seems to love football too much to let a quarterback drown."

Katherine probably didn't understand what I meant, so she ignored me.

"It just seems so strange, the things you do for that girl."

"Did," I corrected. "From now on, that's Stefan's problem. Because he is so much better at helping her." God, I needed to shut up.

"It's like you love her more than you loved me."

My heart twitched as I remembered what it was like to love Katherine. What it was like when she rejected me, over and over. What it was like when, after a century and a half I spent doing everything possible and impossible to save her, all she said to me was "I've never loved you."

Well, at least she was honest.

"Yes, I loved her more," I said. "You have no idea how much. Now I don't." And it was _almost_ the truth.

There was no way I would go through all that again.

Katherine shrugged. "It's hard to believe she's looking for you. Even enlisted Caroline to help."

Fuck, she knew _everything._ The first time Katherine had mentioned Elena she'd changed the topic and I'd forgotten what I wanted to ask, relishing in my newly found freedom. This time I wouldn't let it go.

"You never told me why you were here," I said, narrowing my eyes. "And how you know that Elena's 'chasing' me. And how you know she's with Caroline."

"I have my ways," answered Katherine casually, but I shook my head.

"Not buying it." I smiled, because I knew exactly what was going on. If I had my doubts at first, her evasion confirmed it.

"You've seen Elena. You're working with her." I said incredulously. "No, you're _helping_ her." Katherine pursed her lips, irritated. "Is this some alternative universe where you actually do good?"

She smirked at that. "Let's say I have my reasons."

I rose to my feet and motioned for the bartender.

"Where are you going?" asked Katherine, and I let out a laugh.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you. If you think I'm an idiot who'll stay here waiting for Elena to march in and ruin everything, you're wrong. Bye." I waved and started walking away.

"Hey, Damon," Katherine called after me. I turned and found her looking at me almost sympathetically, which was very weird. "Just make sure you aren't making a mistake."

"I'll be fine," I said and left the goddamn bar. I got into my car, started the engine and drove away.

History repeated itself. Not because Elena was like Katherine – she wasn't – but because the pain they both made me feel was almost the same.

When Stefan had completed his transition and convinced me to do the same, everything was different for us. Stefan was lucky to be a young thoughtless boy. He was in love with Katherine, I knew that much, but she wasn't the center of his universe. When my brother became a vampire, he knew for sure he would survive without Katherine. What mattered to him was moving on and living his new life.

What mattered to me was that I loved Katherine and she was gone.

I wished I could save her. I wished I could be stuck with her in the tomb. I wished I was strong enough to avenge her and kill everyone involved, including Stefan.

Instead, I fled. Left town like a pathetic coward, because every time I thought of Katherine, it drove me crazy. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill. I wanted to drive a stake through my own heart. The only thing that stopped me was hope that one day I might save her.

Memories clouded my vision and suddenly my head felt like it would explode any minute. I hit the brakes and pulled over, rubbing my temples, but it only got worse. And it wasn't entirely physical. My head buzzed with memories. Elena. Katherine. Rejection, loss, pain. _I've never loved you, it was always Stefan. I love Stefan, it's always gonna be Stefan. No matter what I feel for you, I never unfell for him._

"No," I growled, gritting my teeth. I didn't know what was going on, or why, but I refused to go through it all again. What the fuck was that? Some memory-related side effect? Why wouldn't it stop? Why wouldn't my own brain or soul or whatever just let me be free?

The pain snapped like a string, like it was never there. I sat for a minute with my eyes closed, wary that it might come back. Then, like I often did these days, I relaxed and focused on Elena just to check how the spell worked.

It took me five seconds to summon up her face in my mind. Ten more seconds to remember her scent and the softness of her skin. I waited for a minute for the familiar longing, but it never appeared.

The thought that everything was over so soon was strangely unsettling. I _wanted_ this to happen, right? I _wanted _freedom. It didn't feel right, but I would probably just have to get used to this feeling. I sighed – partly sorrowful, partly relieved – and started the engine again. Now I really didn't care where I went.

* * *

It was nine in the morning when Caroline and I finally got to St. Louis. While she slowed down to find the bar on her phone, I pulled my own phone out of my purse and looked at it, unsure what to do.

"I guess Stefan's already awake," I said, which earned a snort from Caroline.

"Definitely. When he taught me to hunt animals, he always wanted me to wake up at seven. On the weekend. That's insane. Why?"

"I have to call him, remember? Tell him Katherine's there for him."

Caroline looked at me incredulously. "Are you _seriously_ going to call him on Katherine's order? I mean, it's twisted. And weird. So, so weird."

I shrugged. "I promised, Care. It doesn't matter whether that's Katherine or not."

Caroline raised an eyebrow, which clearly indicated she thought I was crazy, but I had already dialed the number.

"Hey."

His voice was so quiet that I winced. I knew my phone calls hurt him. It was like I stabbed him with a knife, and then just kept twisting.

"Hi Stefan," I said cautiously. He heaved a heavy sigh.

"Elena, don't use your pity voice on me, please."

I lost the right to comfort him the moment I made my choice.

"Sorry."

He sighed again. "Have you found him?"

"Almost. We're close," I answered. "Stefan, there's something I have to tell you."

He was quiet. I could see him clearly at that moment as if he stood before me – eyebrows furrowed, staring into space, lips pressed together into a thin, determined line.

"Okay."

"Katherine agreed to help me. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know where Damon is. She did a good thing," I told him. "And she is there for you, she said. If you need her, she'll be there."

The sound Stefan made was between a sigh and a groan. "Are you trying to set me up with Katherine?"

Of course, he would see it in the wrong way. I wasn't sure there was any _right _way to see it.

"No, God, no," I said quickly. "But I know she understands you, so I figured… she could help you."

"Thanks for your concern, Elena." I thought he would hang up, but after a few moments of silence he added: "Call me when you find my brother. I want to know if he's okay."

That made me smile. I knew how much Damon loved Stefan, that he had never wanted to hurt his little brother, no matter what he said, and now I knew that Stefan still cared about Damon, despite everything I had done. Maybe I hadn't broken their family after all.

"Sure, I will," I said. "Take care."

"You, too." And then he hung up.

"Didn't go too badly," commented Caroline, pulling up to the bar where Katherine and Damon were supposed to be. I inhaled deeply, feeling uneasy. Somehow with all the chasing and worrying, endless roads and restless nights, I still felt like I hadn't thought it through. Suddenly all the words I'd imagined telling Damon seemed too shallow, too weak to make him believe I had chosen _him_.

"Elena, what are you waiting for? Come on, go see him," Care urged, and she was right. We would have all the time in the world for apologies and confessions later. Right now I just had to break the spell.

I got out of the car, squared my shoulders (_That's Damon, you idiot, why are you so nervous?_) and strolled into the bar.

Katherine was sitting at the counter alone and typing something on her phone. I scanned the room, but Damon wasn't there. I knew he _had been_ in the bar, though, because I could still recognize his scent in the air.

"Where is he?" I demanded, and Katherine sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Finally."

"Where's Damon?" I repeated, barely controlling my voice. Katherine shrugged.

"He left a few hours ago. He actually guessed you would be here soon, and wasn't very happy about it."

"How could you let him leave?" I accused.

"And what was I supposed to do? Tie him up? Kinky." Katherine lifted an eyebrow. "But I don't think that would've worked." I sighed in disappointment. A few moments later, Katherine spoke again, shaking her head. "Okay, calm down. I asked a guy who owes me to follow him. He's in Belleville, just a few miles away. Had a nice blonde breakfast, got a hotel room and has no idea that you may know where he is," she reported monotonously, then smirked. I sighed, this time in relief. "I kept my side of the bargain," she reminded me.

"So did I."

Katherine tilted her head and looked me in the eye, studying my face. I stayed calm under her scrutiny; I had nothing to hide. Eventually she grinned and nodded.

"Good," she said. "If I were you, I'd be already running to Belleville. I'll text you the address. If you need me, I'll be in MysticFalls."

I hesitated for a moment before saying: "Thank you, Katherine."

"I didn't do it for you," she shrugged. "But you're welcome."

We left the bar together. Katherine threw a quick glance at Caroline, who was finishing a blood bag, got into her car and drove away, not bothering to say goodbye.

"Bitch," muttered Care, waiting for me to climb into the passenger seat. Of course, she had heard the entire conversation, so she wasted no time and rushed out of the parking lot. This time we _couldn't_ be late. This was my last chance.

* * *

I didn't feel like doing anything in particular. I was bored and tired and still a little drunk, so I dropped on the bed and busied myself with a cheap paperback edition of _The Call of the Wild_. Exactly what I needed to make sure I had made the right choice. Freedom is good. Wildness is good. Hunting is good. Loving someone is bad. Pointless and painful.

I was rereading chapter seven when I heard someone knock on the door. I had ordered breakfast, so it was probably room service, I decided, shouting "It's open." Then a familiar smell hit my senses and I didn't need to turn around to know who just entered the room.

I guess I was supposed to feel happy. Or angry. But I didn't feel anything at all.

"Damon," she said quietly, and the tone she used with that one word spoke volumes. I had nowhere to run. Well, I did, but if I resorted to escaping from her, that would make me weak and cowardly. Instead, I got up and turned to face her. Elena looked me in the eye, and her lips curved in a smile, first timid, then genuine, happy. She shook her head slightly, like she couldn't believe her eyes.

Another moment and Elena was running across the room, colliding with my chest so hard that I had to take a step back. She wound her arms around my neck and pressed her cheek to my shoulder. "I found you. I found you," she whispered over and over, and I stood still, preparing for the blow. I knew what was going to happen any minute now. With no spell to push them down any more, all the feelings, smothered and nearly destroyed, would rush back to the surface. They would find a way out, and I would feel it all. It would start with unfamiliar, intoxicating happiness that would soon be replaced with a familiar, unbearable pain, because I would have to let her go again and I wouldn't know how.

It never happened.

Elena pulled back, frowning at my obvious lack of reaction. She cupped my face with her hands, caressing it with her thumbs. "It's okay," she said, smiling. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." She leaned in and brushed her lips against mine, then planted a tender kiss on the corner of my mouth. I was still as a statue, not because I meant to hurt her with my rejection, but because I didn't need or want to kiss her. When I didn't respond for too long, Elena pulled back again, confused.

"Damon?" she said tentatively, looking me in the eye. I shook my head.

"Sorry, Elena. It's too late."

* * *

**A/N: You probably hate me right now. Do you want to talk about it? ;) Feel free to do it in reviews. And remember, there's one more chapter to go. It's not over yet.**

* * *

_Special thanks to **Raven**, who left an awesome review, but it was anonymous, so I couldn't reply via PM._


	7. Chapter 7

"Sorry, Elena. It's too late."

My hands froze on his face. My smile faltered and I jerked my hands away as if I'd been burned. I took a step back and shook my head, studying his emotionless expression and cold eyes. "No, it's not. It's only the third day," I said, desperately trying to look happy again.

Of course, Damon was wrong. He just believed it was too late, or maybe wanted _me_ to believe it. I put my hand on his upper arm and it slid down until I could grasp his fingers. He didn't say a word, he only pulled his hand away.

"Damon, I know I've hurt you, and I'm so sorry, you have no idea. But please, will you forgive me?"

He shrugged carelessly. "I forgive you. But it doesn't change anything."

"What do you mean?" I asked incredulously. "I'm here because I want to be with you. You love me, and-"

Damon interrupted me and the words I was about to say died on my tongue.

"You don't understand, Elena. I don't love you any more."

For a moment I thought I would break down there and then, but instead I got angry. If Damon thought he could put me off with cruel words, he underestimated me. I closed the distance between us again, grabbing his neck and kissing him furiously. The kiss wasn't loving or tender, it was demanding – I was trying to remind him about me, about _us_. Damon wasn't very enthusiastic, but he didn't push me away, and I kissed his jaw, throat, biting his neck with blunt teeth. My hands slid under his shirt to feel the muscles in his back and then got busy with the top button of his shirt.

That was when he grabbed my wrists, his hold not painful, but firm.

"Stop," he said flatly. There was no fury in his eyes, just fatigue, and it crushed me.

"Damon, please," I begged. "I get it. You want to show me what I made you feel. I understand, I promise. Just-" I broke off, not knowing what to say. He winced like I'd just slapped him.

"That's what you think it is? A game? Some petty revenge?" he said quietly and smiled a sad smile. "There's nothing I can do." I didn't realize I'd started crying until he wiped my tears with his finger, the gesture careful, but not tender. "Now let's go home. Since it's safe to say the ritual is complete, we can both go back."

I turned away from him and walked out of the room, my hand pressed to my face in a futile attempt to stifle my sobs.

I didn't need to tell Caroline what happened – she'd heard the conversation, judging by her sympathetic expression. We stood in silence while Damon checked out, and then Care narrowed her eyes and smiled at me. She flashed to the car, opened the trunk and in a moment she was back at my side. I was too distracted to register what she had done, but her wink hinted she had a new plan.

In a minute Damon walked out of the hotel, pulling car keys out of his pocket.

"Hi, Barbie," he greeted Caroline. "Didn't know you worked as a part-time chauffeur."

"Not any more," she shrugged. "It seems my car decided to break down, so I guess I'll stay here and wait for the mechanic. You guys go home. Sorry, Elena."

I looked at Damon for a moment and then turned away. My friend had just arranged the most awkward car ride in history. Damon shrugged and pointed at a car next to Caroline's. "Get your stuff," he told me. "Blood bags, too, I don't have any."

I nodded, tears still welling up in my eyes, and I moved the little luggage that I had from Caroline's car to Damon's rented one. I said goodbye to Care, and she mouthed "Good luck."

If Damon knew what was going on, and he probably did, he said nothing. He got into the car without saying a word, waited for me to climb into the passenger seat and drove away from the hotel.

I tried not to cry, but traitorous tears kept welling up in my eyes, clouding my vision. I prayed Damon wouldn't notice.

I texted Caroline, asking her to call Stefan. I was afraid he would ask how everything went, and my quiet crying would turn into a full fledged hysterics. The tears stopped bothering me, and I just stared into the window while they rolled down my cheeks.

Of course, Damon noticed.

"Calm down, Elena," he said, reaching out to squeeze my hand briefly. I swallowed hard, tasting salt. In the past, Damon's voice would have been tender and loving. His fingers would have held mine a little longer than necessary, reveling in one of the few stolen moments we shared.

_God, how much I had taken for granted._

"You'll be fine," he told me, and I shook my head vigorously and wiped new tears as they escaped my eyes.

"I don't know how to live without you," I managed to whisper, and Damon looked at me with a condescending smile.

"But I'm not going anywhere," he said reassuringly. "I'm your friend, remember? I'll be there as long as you need me."

He would be there, so close and out of reach. No. I wouldn't stand that.

I turned away from him and to the window. At some point, I cried myself to sleep.

Damon woke me up a few hours later in Nashville, where he had to return the rental car and get his Camaro. I wasn't crying any more. We had lunch in a diner; Damon tried to ask polite questions about MysticFalls, I gave one syllable answers. We shared a blood bag in the car; I wiped a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth with my forefinger, and he didn't recoil from my touch. That gave me a new sense of power.

"Damon," I started, grabbing his hand and intertwining our fingers. He shook his head slightly.

"Don't."

"I don't believe it's all gone," I said passionately, caressing his face with my free hand. "I _know_ how much you loved me. This feeling is indestructible. You may believe you don't love me any more, but that's not true."

I sounded a lot more confident than I really was.

"Elena-" he said, but I didn't let him speak another word.

"Just give me a chance, okay?" I begged, leaning in to kiss him. He didn't pull back. "Give me just a little time to prove it to you. Please," I whispered against his lips, and he sighed, his breath tickling my skin.

"Okay."

* * *

When we started driving from Nashville to Mystic Falls, Elena couldn't stop smiling. She talked with Caroline animatedly over the phone, sang along to a few songs on the radio and eventually closed her eyes and relaxed. I was wary, expecting her to start kissing me or begging me again. I hated having to turn her down every time; I felt awful. In a moment of weakness and sympathy, I gave her a new hope that I would inevitably have to destroy, and that would break her irrevocably. But she didn't try anything, and it both confused and pleased me.

Since the moment Elena had leapt into my arms in the hotel room I had been carefully watching my feelings, making sure her proximity didn't affect me. Even when we were alone in the car and she cried and cried, I couldn't offer anything but sympathy and understanding. I relaxed and let my guard down for a moment. When she chose this moment to ask me for another chance, I heard myself blurting "Okay" before I even knew what I agreed to.

I didn't like it at all.

"Remember when we first met?" Elena's voice brought me out of my reverie.

"Which time? When I was thinking whether or not to eat you or when I was trying to piss off Stefan?" I asked, and she laughed quietly.

"Whichever. You were so charming, so… fascinating," she said, and I smirked.

"So?"

"Then there was Georgia," Elena went on, ignoring my question. "The most fun I'd had in months."

"You drank 'til you could barely stand and I almost got killed. Fun," I agreed.

"You said I did well," she argued, and I let out a laugh. Elena smiled and turned up the radio, not saying anything else. There was a strange warm sensation in my chest, but I decided to ignore it.

"Do you know when I realized we were more than friends?" she asked in a while, eyes closed, like she was trying to picture that moment. I sighed.

"We've never been more than friends, Elena," I tried to reason with her, but she didn't seem affected at all.

"Fine. When I realized we _could_ be more than friends," she edited.

"When?"

"When I told you to compel me to tell you the truth and you chose to trust me instead," she said. "You had no reason. I had just betrayed your trust, and yet you decided I was worth it again. Nobody's ever had as much faith in me as you do, did you know that?" She finally opened her eyes and looked at me from under her eyelashes. My heart skipped a beat, and I cursed myself for letting myself get caught, for agreeing to this car ride and, first and foremost, for giving her another chance. _Idiot_.

"Don't. Not now," I pleaded. Maybe the spell was still too insecure and I was still too weak. Maybe in a few hours it would be easier to deal with her. Surprisingly, Elena didn't even put up a fight, just smiled.

"Okay. Sure. Later."

Elena kept her word and didn't say a thing about _us_ in the next few hours. She chose safer subjects: books she'd recently read (like I didn't know she was going through _my_ library), movies she'd seen (according to Stefan, movie theaters are the best place to practice being around people) and the newest members of the Council. We shared another blood bag and Elena decided to try again.

"Do you know when I realized you loved me?" she asked, grinning again. I sighed heavily, not daring to look her in the eye. I could swear Elena _beamed_. I had no idea what was going on any more.

"When?" I stubbornly kept my eyes on the road.

"When you stepped in for Stefan and danced with me."

I shrugged. "I just thought it would be nice to save you from judgy people."

"That, too, but that's not what I mean," said Elena softly. "When I was walking down the stairs and saw you there waiting for me, one look into your eyes took my breath away. They were so full of devotion, care, love… Nobody has ever looked at me like that," she was almost whispering now. "Nobody but you."

I turned away slightly; I couldn't let her see my face. Forget the Originals, forget witches and their spells – Elena Gilbert was the most dangerous thing on the face of the earth. Fuck, I was _afraid_. Afraid that my eyes would give away something even I wasn't aware of.

Night had already fallen and it was raining outside, the sound of raindrops lulling, and Elena yawned. For a moment I wondered how much sleep she'd been getting lately, with the whole Find Damon thing. I refused to feel guilty about it. Or at least I tried not to.

"Sleep," I said, and she nodded, closing her eyes.

Elena woke up three hours later – the three hours that I spent repeating my previous conclusions over and over. That I had to be strong. That freedom and independence were much, much easier and better than love. She smiled at me, trying to stretch in the limited space. "How much time until we're home?"

"Almost there. Fifteen minutes at most," I said

"Good. Because there's still something I haven't told you."

I braced myself for whatever it was Elena was going to use to break me completely. "What?"

"Do you know when I fell in love with you?"

And I was destroyed.

I gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white. _I fell in love with you_. She was in love with me? No. Impossible. No way. This was just another game, right? Maybe she just decided to take pity on me?

But what if it was the truth?

"When?" I asked, still not daring to look at Elena.

"Last summer," she said. Really? She'd spent that summer grieving because of _Stefan_. I was a friend. An ally. A shoulder to cry on. With my brother out of the picture, there was still nothing romantic between us.

"Summer?" I echoed, my eyes never leaving the road.

"You were there for me all the time. Telling me stories before I went to bed so I would feel a little better. Taking me out when I was too gloomy. Rushing to my side whenever I needed it just to kiss my forehead and promise I'd be fine. Trying to find Stefan for me and never demanding anything in return. I guess nobody has ever loved me as much as you do, but you know what? I love you just as much, Damon. I'm in love with you."

After all the pain, denial and rejection, Elena still decided to say that. I was dumbstruck, but she smiled. She knew what I wanted to say – after all, we had never needed words. I turned to look at her, trying to see a trace of doubt or regret in her eyes, but there was none.

I sped up. Fuck the speed limit; there were so, so many reasons we needed to get out of the car as soon as possible. We drove the last five minutes in silence. We passed by the _Welcome to Mystic Falls_ sign and in a couple of minutes I pulled up to her house.

Elena had hardly gotten out of the car when I flashed in front of her, putting my hands on the door next to her hips, trapping her. Her gaze was steady, showing nothing but love and acceptance. Was it my wishful thinking?

"Elena, if you don't mean it…"

"I love you," she repeated, interrupting me.

Fuck it. It didn't matter that we had hurt each other. It didn't matter that we were bound to do something stupid and ruin everything. It didn't even matter that three days ago I had been ready to destroy what I felt for her. The only thing that mattered to me was Elena.

God, I could have lost her. Idiot. I winced, and Elena thought it was about her. "If I have to, I'll do anything to pr-"

I silenced her with a kiss. She responded passionately but tenderly, her fingers tangling in my hair.

We stumbled to the front door and Elena almost broke the key in her haste to open it. When she finally did, we flashed upstairs together, and I pressed her to the mattress with my body. I kissed her again, and she made the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. My lips found her neck, and I was just about to get rid of our clothes when Elena whispered: "Wait."

I froze. What? Did she-

"You never said it back," she reminded. I sighed in relief and pulled back to stare at her incredulously. This girl. Elena grinned and I couldn't help kissing her again.

"I love you. I can't help it. I love you too much for my own good."

"Don't run away ever again," she asked, and I could see she wasn't joking. I nodded.

"I have to warn you, though: I'll never be able to let you go now," I said, suddenly fearful. What if it was too much? What if she wasn't ready? But Elena just pulled me closer.

"Good. Then don't," she answered, and I kissed her again, starting a new page of our forever.

**THE END**

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**A/N: Okay, guys. This has been "Extinguish." Thanks for reading and reviewing. Now to the Special Thanks section.**

**Firstly, of course, ****_CreepingMuse. _****I wouldn't be able to do it without her help and support.**

**Thanks to one of my favorite reviewers ****_kat st james _****for continued support and reviewing almost every chapter of the story. Hope you'll like the final. Thanks to ****_Darla_**** for being so involved and emotional about the story, to ****_tukct81_****, who is also a great writer, and, basically, to each of you guys.**

**Special thanks 2 - to Google Maps. This story wouldn't have been written without this service, I'm telling you.**

**Last but not least: my Extinguish playlist on YouTube. Most songs are in Ukrainian (my native language), but they are all subtitled in English. playlist?list=PLeuEo6trLaYtaWMrf22ERLS0dlR oSMW66&feature=mh_lolz**


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